Love deeper than oceans

I never thought I will love like I do. Looking back in past years I see now how I have been acting what I've done wrong and what I would do differently. I love someone so much that I would give everything for him. I've never felt love like that. I would be ready to give up all my dreams and plans just for him. I would be ready to give up all travelling I want to do just to spent time with him. I never really wanted or expected kids but I would raise football team if he would love to. I would give up my life for him. He is most important person in my life. It is kind of love I want to feel from someone. I want to feel someone loving me longer than time would last and with passion more deep than oceans. I want to feel and give love what is longer than to the moon and back. I want to feel needed as much or even more than night needs stars and fish need water. I want someone to be willing to give everything for me.

Relationships

I thought other day why I have had so many relations. Around 6-ish. I have had discussions with many people. And so often those who are slimmer and thinner they have had like 1-3 relation at my age. Then I was thinking why I or so many bigger girls have so many relations. I can't talk about others but what I thought was that it's because we need to feel wanted somehow. Need to feel beautiful. If you have boyfriend then no one can say that you are so fat that can't even get a boyfriend. It feels like you always need to prove yourself. Prove that you can have "normal" life, can have boyfriends, that people can look at you and think like you are normal girl. Having boyfriend gives confident. You feel like at least someone wants you, someone loves you, someone thinks you are beautiful :) I know it's wrong and shouldn't be like that but it is. I know I am pretty but still.

God's Love

God has called us to love each other, to take care of each other. Because God loved us first, we can love others. True love comes from Him and there is nothing that can take His love away. Because God so loved the us, He gave His only son to die for us so we could live. How amazing is that? God has loves us so much that He gave order to sun to shine over us that we would have light and He put moon and stars to the sky to light the night. If God knows the name of every single star in the sky then how much more does He loves and knows us? He knows our secrets, He knows our dreams, He knows our hearts, He knows us. He knows how much hair we have and He knows what we've been through. He has cried with us when we have been hurt and laughed with us when we have been happy. I'm so amazed by His love. If He has loved us so much, gave so much then least we can do is love our neighbors. We are called to love each other. We were created to be friends we God and to show His love to others around us. We are here to reflect His greatness, His love. I'm so thankful to God that He is with me when everyone else fails me. He is there, He was there and He always will be there to love me, to hold me, to keep me safe, to lift me up. I love God my Father, my Abba Daddy so much and nothing will ever change that!

Jumal on kutsunud meid armastama üksteist ja hoolitsema üksteise eest. Sellepärast, et Jumal armastas meid ennem, saame meie armastada teisi. Tõeline armastus tuleb Temalt ja ei ole midagi mis võtaks ära Tema armastuse. Sest Jumal armastas meid nii väga, andis Ta oma poja meie eest surema, et meie võiksime elada. Kui imeline on see? Jumal on meid armastanud nii väga, et ta on andnud päiksele käsi särada meie üle, et meil oleks valgust ja Ta pani kuu ja tähed taevasse valgustama ööd meie jaoks. Kui Jumal teab iga üksiku tähe nime taevas, siis kui palju enam ta armastab ja tunneb ta meid? Ta teab meie saladusi, Ta teab meie unistusi, Ta teab meie südant, Ta teab meid. Ta teab kui palju juukseid meil on ja Ta teab millest oleme läbi läinud. Ta on nutnud koos meiega kui meil on olnud valus ja naernud koos meiega kui me oleme olnud õnnelikud. Ma olen nii imestunud Tema armastusest. Kui ta on armastanud meid nii palju siis vähim mis meie saame teha, on armastada oma ligimesi. Me oleme kutsutud armastama üksteist. Meid loodi olema sõbrad Jumalada ja näitama tema armastust teistele meie ümber. Me oleme siin, et peegeldada Tema suurust, Tema armastust. Ma olen nii tänulik Jumalale, et ta on alati minuga kui kõik teised ming hülgavad. Ta on seal, Ta oli seal ja Ta saab alati olema seal, et mind armastada, et mind hoida, et mind kaitsta, et mind tõsta ülesse. Ma armastab Jumalat oma Isa, oma Abba Issit nii väga ja miski ei saa eales muutma seda!

Usk, tervenemine ... usk?

Kuulates palju vingumisi viimasel ajal eriti kristlaste poolt kuidas selg on haige ja põõlved on haiged ja see ja too ja kolmas häda, pani mind mõtlema, et kus on meie usk. Tegelt ma ise tihti samamoodi. Paha olla, voodis, vingus pea või selja või teab mis valu üle. Meil on Jumal kelle poole pöörduda ju. Muidu oleme kõik suured kristlased, usume Jumalasse, loeme, kuulame jutlusi tervenemisest ja sellel hetkel on kõik aamen ja aamen aga kui meil endal on mingi häda, kus siis on Jumal? Kas sa oled mõelnud, et nii kui peavalu või seljavalu või põlve-, jalavalu tuleb, pöördud Isa poole ja ütled lihtsalt talle: Isa, võta ära see valu. Tänan sind tervenemise eest. Tänan sind selle eest, et olen terve. Jeesuse nimel. Aamel. Ja nii lihtne see olekski. Proovi järgmine kord kui kuskilt valutab, kui oled haige. Ta kuuleb meie palveid ja tahab meile parimat. Meil on armastav isa kes on tõotanud, et me oleme terved. Ta on öelnud oma sõnas, et Jeesus kandis meie haigused ja tõved risti puul. Me ei pea kannatama enam. Jeesus kannatas meie eest! Mõtle Jumal oli valmis saatma oma ainusündinud poja sinu eest ristile, et sa võiksid olla terve! Miks sa tahad veel kannatada? Miks sa tahad tunda valu? Täna Isa selle tervenemise eest. Täna teda rõõmu eest. Täna teda, et ta ei jäta sind kunagi üksi, et ta on alati olemas kui teda vajad! Ta armastab sind ja tahab sulle parimat!

New year promises?

I was thinking why to wait till new years eve to start new life? Why don't we just turn new page in our lives today and start living new today? Why we should find some excuses like waiting til new years eve to give promises? You want to quit smoking or drink less? You want to quit eating sugar or lose weight? Why don't you start today? Why don't you start today? I hate new years eve promises. I want to change my life today. I can't wait till 1st January to get closer to God or to start moving more. It's stupidity. I want to do it now and today. Why don't you? You want to see change in your life? Start today! You want to get results? Start today! You will have like 3 days more in your new lifestyle. Start moving! Start taking steps today! Let's change life today. Not tomorrow or not after 3 days when it's new years eve. START TODAY!

Promises

Is it true that promises are there only to break them?
You... YOU promised me to stay with me. You promised not to leave me.  From the first letter ever you wrote you promised not to let anyone into so deep in your heart. Am I still only one there? Or has someone else occupied my place?  You told me you can't live without hearing my voice, without getting messages from me. Why it all changed? Now you better ignore it all than answer or listen :) You told me that I am everythign for you and that's why you don't need others? When I stopped being everything? You told me that you are afraid to lose me. Why you left me? You told me that everything is forgivable. Especially for the one whom you love. Did you stop loving me that you are not able to forgive anymore? You told me that you don't want to leave me because some small fights or some misunderstanding but still it was what you did. Left me for misunderstandings and small fights. Don't you miss me anymore as you wrote in every letter how much you miss me and can't wait to be with me to hold me and love me ? You told you miss time we spent together even those bad times when we were together and now you don't even want to talk to me? What did I do so wrong? You told that you haven't had anyone with who you felt so peaceful and good. You told that you thought is the sign that I am the one to spend rest of your life with? Why you decided that I'm not? You told me that you would be happiest guy  in the world if you could name me your wife or one day mother of your children. You told me you love everything about me. Don't you love it anymore? Why? What I did? You told me you felt like you found the one you want to live together with the rest of your days. Why don't you anymore?You told me that you even prayed for us. That we could have long future. You promised not to leave me. You promised to love me. I miss you so freaking much. I miss you and love you. Still.... So much . So so much.

Sun is behind the clouds

I don't use facebook at the moment. Not sure how long I can manage without facebook but at the moment I can. So I deactivated it for unknown time. But I really want to write something out as I used to share everything in facebook. True not so many are reading my blog but still. I don't do it for others but for myself. Anyway last nights I have't got any sleep. I fall a sleep between 2 and 8am and then sleep for 3-5 hours so for last 4 nights I've had only about 9-10 hours sleep. For me it's normal to sleep so much in one night. I guess it's just I'm so stressed out lately. Lot to do in school because I want to finish on time this year. And then I have problems in my relationship. I have been so moody and jealous and not understanding lately that I guess my boyfriend just had enough. I'm not 100 % sure if it is over we will see on 6th when he gets out from military. I guess it is main reason why I'm not able to sleep. He don't answer to anything and for me it's very very difficult not to hear from him. It's never happened before that I can't sleep. I mean I have had problems even bigger one than now and break ups before too but never had problems with my sleep. Or do I have problems because I really believed it's true this time? That he is the one and I was sure about it? I don't know. I'm just waiting 2 more days and then I can talk to him. If he wants to. I just need to talk to him or soon I will collapse. Emotionally and physically. Today 2 teachers asked if I'm feeling well and am I sick because I look pale. Oh well 2 more days. I hope that then everything will be ok again. Really hope and pray.