Mess

I don't understand why people write their days or happenings in some blog or something. But I'm also one of them. It's just helps me get through with everything. All situations what is going in my life. I'm not even sure does anyone reads that but ok still (:
You know guys, I often think that I should update my blog. I will open my blog and I don't have any ideas what to write. Lately I have had total mess in my life. In my mind and head. Times have been really difficult. Family stuff don't seem getting better, school things getting worse and worse. Today I went to school over 2 weeks and guess what, I couldn't be there. It was so difficult. I was there for 4 lessons and then just went away. I can't I felt like something is strangling me. I just started cry like middle of class tears just came into my eyes. So I left school. Well I have lot to do. So I can study for tests now at home. It's little bit easier to study there. Well I don't say it's easier for me to study home. No, not at all but still easier than to be in school right now. It's like snowball. when it starts to roll it's getting bigger and bigger and so difficult to stop it.
Why are all things coming at once. All circumstances are always there at same time. I mean those bad ones like school, family, faith, friends, love e.t.c. It's not fair.
Its so difficult to believe for me that there is some solution for all that. I don't know what to do anymore. Crying and just being. Well I'm feeling like empty inside. but same time it's so big mess inside of me. Like when your room is getting more messy ad onetime you realize that you have no idea where to start or where to put all those things. Its same feeling inside of me. It's so messed up there that I have no idea anymore what to do, how to start. It's like I want to talk everything out but I have no idea what or how to say. How to put my thoughts into words. It seems impossible. Sometimes I just feel that I want to go to somewhere and just scream. Actually it helps. I have tried. Twice maybe. But the thing is usually I don't have that kind of place where just to scream. Once I did it on a boat. It was big wind outside so it was good to scream. It wasn't because I felt bad but I just had to release that.
Well I'm out of thoughts right now. I will update as soon as I get some ideas or other thoughts.
Much hugs.

Oh my

Well I have lot of thoughts in my head. Like I have two very dear friends. They are talking every day, every night. They just have to talk. It's like something you need to have. Like addiction. They are talkign more to each other than the one they are dating. So they have internet relation. Well none of them would never admit it but it really is so. Believe me I know :D

Second main thing I'm thinking is about someone who are living in Hawaii. There is one guy. I was the one who made him smile over many years, one who cared and really loved him (so I know internet relations ;) ) and then there is that girl living there. She is 17 she don't have parents and have difficult life. So this guy took her to his place to take care of her. And she just made him choose her. Before when I said to stop talking with him because it hurts he said that it's not fair. HE made choice and he want to talk with me. Even when he never have possibility to see me he loves me. And then this girl wanted to hang herself. Or well with that she made him to choose her. Well ok she need him more than I do but still. I hate manipulating. It's not right for that guy. Well if he is happy it's ok but still. That made me kind of hate that girl. I have wished her better hang herself than done this. I'm mean I know. It's not like me at all. But it's just how I'm feeling right now. So I'm sorry. But just what that all made me feel. Many days with tears on my eyes many night without sleeping. Just being hurt because how she made him to choose ... it's not right.
Anyway I'm out of thoughts right now so Enjoy ;)
Much hugs.

One poem

I found one poem I really love:

You're a falling star, you're the get away car
You're the line in the sand when I go too far
You're the swimming pool on an August day
And you're the perfect thing to say

And you play it coy, but it's kind cute
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do
Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true
Cause you can see it when I look at you

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well
And you light me up, when you ring my bell
You're a mystery, you're from outerspace
You're every minute of my everyday

What is happiness?

Hey hey. I tried to translate one poem what I wrote some years ago. In English it's maybe not so good but at least you will get the point of it ;) Much hugs to you!


Do you know where
happiness is hiding?
Is happiness that
you have a lot of money?
And you are wearing
the best clothes?
Is happiness that
you can buy
whatever you want?
Do you really think
that it's formula of happiness?

Happiness is in everything
what you can see.
Happiness can be finded in spring
waking up nature,
in blooming flowers.
Happiness is hiding itself
into green trees
and birds singing.
Happiness is that
when ice start to melt
and soon you can go to swim.
You can find happiness in sunshine
and rain.
In the rainbow
and sunrays.
You can see happiness
in the blue sky
or in white clouds

Happiness you can find in summer,
Sunbathing on the beach.
Swimming.
Happiness is
when you can play
and swing.
Happiness is in the thunder
and in the sun.
Happiness is hiding itself in
the green field
and in forest.

Happiness is
in the muddy weather on autumn.
In orange, gold leafs.
You can find happiness
in the picking up potatoes.
And first snow.

In the winter you can see happiness
in the snow.
It has hiden itself into snowman.
Happiness is
to sepnd christmas with family
and new year night with friends.
Happiness is when there is
people who cares about you
and protect you.
Happiness is in the laughing,
in the joy
and in the hugs.
Happiness is
is small kids
their laugh and playing.

Learn to see in everything something
what makes people happy
and you will see
that world is
hundred times prettier.

My summer

Well I'm sorry for all of you who are waiting my update. I just have had busy summer and lazy to update my posts.
I have had great summer. First in June before Ahti went to military we had our youth camp (I think i wrote about that in one post) Then just after that I went to methodist youth camp. In both camps I had amazing time with God and with others. Then in July our brother came to visit us. He haven't been in Estonia for 2 years I think. I was so great to see him and to be with him. Also end of July one group of youths from Brazil came to Estonia. They are so amazing people. We had one youth meeting in Viitka (near to Võru) and then beginnign of August we had big Methodist summer conference in AA beach. Really amazing time to get to know people and get closer to God. We learned some dances and I also painted one T-shirt to myself.
Then just after that conference we had my church kids camp. And on 11th August I had my birthday. On 13 August I celebrated getting younger. I really liked the time with those friends there. Oh and one friend who I haven't had seen before came to visit us also. He stayed at my place for 1,5 week. I think now he is gone. I don't knwo I havent been home since friday (3 days).
Yesterday we went to Peri (near to Põlva) and we had one evangelistic meeting there. I gave my testimony how i came back to God. And what is changed after that. Then we sang and did one drama How God greated earth, how sin came to earts and how He gave His only begotten son to die for us. And how He died and now we can be friends again with God. It was really amazing time. Those youths there really enjoyed that and they are waiting us back there.
Anyway I try to post soon again when I have something to say.
You all enjoy your time and be very very blessed.
Much hugs ;)

Some thoughts

I just though how much I miss my youths I had. Well I'm not ready to do youth work right now. It's just I can't be example to anyone right now. I love them. Amazing people with great heart. They all maybe didn't like all what I did or do but I love them. I miss being with them. Our other youth leader we had went to military. He was great example. He isn't perfict but his heart is in right place. He have his own addictions but his heart is right place. He prayed and he keep his eyes in God and I saw how he started to change. How God took his heart and just started to change it how God wanted it to be. I want to be like he is. Someone to who you can look. Someone you want/ you can trust.
Right now I found magazin by Joyce Meyer Ministries "Enjoying everyday life" Title of that one is Choosing to change. Just something I just wrote about that in here. I want to change.
I'm back together with my ex boyfriend but maybe he isn't the best for me but I really pray and believe that God is changing his life. That he is changing him. I can see it. So it is one what keeps me with him. I love him too much for leaving him. Anyway thats just what I wanted to say (:
Much hugs to everyone (Much because then you can't count them anymore ;) )

Lugu

„ „Tsau kallis. Kuidas sul läheb? „ küsisisin oma kallima käest, kelle nimeks oli Taavi. „Hästi ikka. Tibu, kuule saaks umbes kahe tunni pärast kokku?” küsis Taavi. Vastasin: „Okei, näeme kahe tunni pärast, kallis. Ootan. Suudlused sulle.” Ja me lõpetasime kõne.

Panin teleka mängima ja vaatasin veidi sealt ühte filmi. Ei hakanud eriti süvenema sellesse, kuna nagunii pidin suht kohe jälle edasi minema. Varsti läksingi end sättima. Seejärel läksin ühe puu alla oja äärde, kus pidin Taaviga kokku saama. Me ei pidanud kunagi kokku leppima kus kohtume, kuna saime alati kokku samas kohas. See oli koht kus me esimest korda üksteist nägime. Mina olin seal puu all just mõtlemas, kui äkki tundsin, et midagi lendas mulle pähe. Vaatasin kust see tuli ja nägin teda. Ta tuli mu poole. Minu ette jõudes ulatas ta käe ja ütes, et on Taavi ning vabandas, et ta palliga mulle vastu pead oli virutanud. Tuli välja, et ta harjutas jalgpalli jaoks, et pääseda kooli võistkonda. Ma naeratasin ja ütlesin, et ei ole ei hullu. Sealt me sõprus alguse saigi. Nüüdseks teame ükteist 4 aastat. Käinud oleme poolteist aastat.

Jõudsingi oma mõtteid mõeldes selle oja äärde. Kuna oli kevad ja soojad ilmad, istusin puu alla ja jäin jällegist mõttesse. Mõtlesin selle nelja aasta peale mil olen Taavikest tundud. See aeg on olnud imeline. Ta on nii hooliv ja armastav.

Taavi oli vaikselt mu kõrvale istunud ja ma ei olnudki teda märganud. Kui teda äkki märkasin, tuli välja, et ta seal juba istunud 10 minutit ja lihstalt jälginud mind. Ta armastas mind ja selles polnud kahtlustki. Siis ta suudles mind ja seejärel ütles: „ Kallis, tahtsin sind lihsalt näha ning samas mõtlesin, et äkki sa tahaksid täna õhul minuga piknikule tulla? Kuna täna on täiskuu ja ilmateate järgi ei tohiks pilves olla ning ööseks lubas piisavalt sooja.”

Muidugi olin nõus. Istusime seal koos mõnda aega ja siis otsustasime et saame õhtul samas kohas kokku. Läksime siis koju ja õhtuni oli nii palju aega. Ma ei osanud seda kuidagi sisutada ja istusin teleka ette. Lõpuks avastasin, et olin juba mitu tundi seal istunud ja pean juba sättima hakkama. Sain valmis ja liikusin meie puu poole. Sinna jõudes nägin, et Taavi askeldab seal millegagi. Ta oli pannud sinna maga ühe teki, ja katnud piknkiks laua. Küünlad põlesid ümberringi. Mind märgates tuli ta kohe minu juurde ja ulatas tumepunase roosi ja ta pani mulle tiaara pähe. Sellise nagu printsessidel on ning lausus: „See on sulle. Sina oled täna õhtul ja alati minu printsess.” Ta suudles mind õrnalt suule ja viipas käega õhtusöögi poole. Astusingi edasi.

Maha istuses, askeldas ta veel millegagi mu selja taga, seejärel tegi mulle pea peale õrna musi ja istus peaaegu mu vastu. „Tibu, see on nii ilus mis sa teinud oled. Ma armastan sind nii üli väga,” ütlesin talle. Ta naerats ja ütles: „ Ma armastan sind ka.” Ja valas mulle veini. Ta oli ikka kõigele mõelnud. Küünlad, tiaara, roosid, vein, õhtusöök. Oli juba mitu tundi möödas ajast, kui sööma hakkasime. Söök oli meil ammu söödud, veini oli veel järel. Me lihtsalt istusime seal. Vaikuses. Me teadsime üksteist piisavalt hästi, saime aru mida teien mõtleb ilma, et peaks midgai lausuma. See on armastus.

Ta võttis taskust mingi karbi. See nägi välja nagu, nagu... „Lisett, kallis, kas sa tuleksid mulle naiseks?” oli ta küsimus karpi avades. Seal sees oli imeilus kihlsõrmus. Ma olin sõnatu, aga õnneks suutsin öelda jah talle. Ta pani mulle sõrmuse sõrma ning andis huultele kõge parema, magusama, kirglikuma ja kõige enam armastust täis suudluse, mis ta eales andnud on. See võttis mu põlvis nõrgaks, aga nneks ta toetas mind ja mul polnud võimalik kukkuda. Ma olin õnnelik. Samuti oli seda Taavi. See oli parim õhtu minu elus ja see ei lähe eales meelest. Loodan, et teie, kallikesed saate sama õnnelikuks kui mina sain. Ärge kiirustage suhtega vaid oodake. Ka teie jaoks on see ainus ja õige kusagile olemas. Tuleb lihstalt osata oodata ja otsida ja te leiate ta.” Lisett rääkis selle loo oma kahele tütrele, kellest vanem oli 16 ja noorem oli 14. Ta oli seda ka varem neile rääkinud, aga neile meeldis seda kuulata ikka ja jälle. Lisett andis neile veel otsaette ühe musi ja lahkus toast. Seejärel tüdrukud uinusid.