Still loving him

It's been a while when I had my last post in here. I have had busy summer. Most of the time with my boyfriend and travelling between school, home and boyfriend's place. We had our ups and downs even had time to break up ans seriously break up it was worst time in my life. I was able to give up and I almost did it when one point his brother, who has always been against all his relations told me that he will do everything to help us to get back together and he was one who told me not to give up who told me to fight. I don't know if I would have made it without him. During this relation I have seen how people can change. I have seen myself changing and my boyfriend changing. Is it love? I guess so. Things he never wanted. Like he has always been against marriage and always said he doesn't want to have children and now suddenly we talk about getting married and kids in the future. Not in the close future but in future sometime. We talk about house, about living together about everything. He is person whom I trust 100%. I tell him everything. Even if it sometimes hurts him but I can't hide or lie to him. I believe that having strong relationship includes total trust between two people. I still do have my moments when I think if he is the one but we never know what future brings, we never know what our heart does but at the moment I love him with every smallest part of my life.
I have always thought and still think that we don't have that right to tell anyone, even to our partners to whom they can or can't talk to or with who they can be friends and with who they can't. We don't have that right. But when he is friend with some people, it makes me insecure. Like one girl who is one of his dearest friends.  I don't like her. I don't know why. It's just she protects him no matter what. I do understand it but still it hurts. Like I know I will hurt him sooner or later but not with purpose. I love him with everything. It's just annoying. I mean it's difficult. I do understand her. She wants to protect someone who is dear to her. I would do same. But saying that I'm not allowed to try again with him made me stop liking her. I don't like him chatting with old girlfriends or something but I don't have right to tell him not to communicate with them. I mean I know he loves me. He wouldn't be with me if he wouldn't love me because no guys wont be with anyone, especially with someone who is fat when others are always mocking him because of that. If he wouldn't love me, he would leave me but he does love me. And that is why I love him so much. I love him more than my life. I love him because how he makes me feel. I love him because he is there for me, he believes in me and he wants me. I love him just because. I just love him!

My heart beats for love

Hei hei guys.
I know couple months ago I wrote about me being in love. Yes I was but it was wrong so I didn't allow myself that relation. After couple weeks I started chatting with one guy on my facebook list and we got quite close. Now he is my boyfriend and I love him with love I haven't have for anyone else before. It's old feeling because I have been in love but it's also new feeling because I've never loved like that. I mean unconditionally loved with all what I have. He gives me strength to be me. I don't have my regular complexes or blocks with him. I'm just me. I can just be without pretending anyone else. I'm doing stuff I have always wanted to do but afraid to do them because I have had complexes about my weight or how I look or something but with him  well I'm different. I don't wanna lose him. Never. I love him from top of my head to the end of my toes. I'm so happy that he is in my life. I would post picture here but I don't have pictures in my laptop yet. They are still in my camera.
Anyway I love you all. Just wanted to share this small thing with you all!
Have fun and enjoy summer!
Hugs, kisses

In love

Have you ever been in love? If you are over 4 years old then you have been in love. Everyone has felt it in some time in their life. And at the moment I'm feeling it. No it's not the one with who I have pictures everywhere. It's someone else. Someone who makes my heart shine. Someone who is my little sun. Someone has occupied my heart. This person means world to me. I would give everything for that special one.When I am with my sun I feel like nothing else matters, like there can be miracle in my life. That person... Well I don't have words. I think of that special one even when I am with someone else. And now I heard that I mean everything to to my special one too. And that is what matters. Nothing else.

Maybe you are thinking why is this post so anonymus... It's because my speical one is someone about who I can't tell anyone. I have only 2 friends who know and that's all. I'm not able to tell anyone. They wont understand me. But now you everyone know that I have someone. And all what matters is that you all know that I am happy.
Love you all. Hug and kisses

Messed up

Hei hei.
Someone asked me about my statistics of that blog and I was really surprised. Even someone from China and Indonesia, Netherlands, United States, France, Canada and there are even more countries but those really surprised me.
Anyway couple last weeks I have felt really messed up. I enjoy my life, studies, school, all where I'm involved with but it's too much lately. I just put my psychologist time and going there today. I just need to talk with someone who is neutral, not from my group. Lately I feel like I don't wanna excist. I do think really negative thoughts I even took lot of some kind of medicine in my hand yesterday cause I just wanted to feel bad inside but I didn't take it in and I'm proud of myself cause of that. I was sittign with one friend, holding those tablets in my hand and just thought to take them in but when I was sittign there for like 45 min I changed my mind. I went and found one friend to who I tell everything about myself and just gave those to him. I didn't say anything just gave those to him and just left. Some minutes later he came to my room and hugged me. I told him I didn't take any but I really wanted. He said he was proud of me and it made me feel good. When he huggs me I feel nice and small and good. He is really tiny and thin and I call him small but he makes me feel good. When he huggs I fool comfortable and warm. He is very sweet and kind to everyone and it shines out through his hugging. I really do love him and he is like my little brother. He often makes me feel angry and mad about him and Wants me to scream but I can't leave him. He is one most important guy in my life. So I need him in my life.
I ran out of ideas. Love you all!!!
Hugs, kisses!

Mõtteid mõtteid mõtteid

Mis teeb meid ilusaks? Kas meik nöos? Kena soeng? Ilusad ja uhked riided? - Ei. Need kõik on muidugi ilusad aga need ei ole põhjuseks miks meie oleme ilusad. Mis siis teeb meid ilusaks? Meie sõbrad, sest nende jaoks oleme me ilusad. Me peame oma sõpru ilusateks... Kas siis välimuselt või sisemuselt aga nad on ilusad. Seega on sõbrad need kes teevad meid ilusateks.

Mul on kõrini mõnest inimesest. Ei ma ei saa öelda kõrini aga aegajalt viskab üle. C'mon näo ees on hull sõber ja nii lähedane, teab must kõike ja sealsamas 5 minutit hiljem eirab. Ma tean keda ma usaldan ja keda ma usun. See teeb haiget kui inimene keda sa kogu südamest usud ei suuda pidada oma lubadusi. Jah see käib sinu kohta pisikene. Kui palju sa oled lubanud igasugu asju ja neid mitte täitnud? See kriibib mul sees, lihtsalt pidin siia kirjutama. Sa oled mulle nii tähtis, väikese vennakese eest ja sealsamas ma soovin et ma suudaks su peale vihane olla. Sidn eirata, ignoreerida, blokkida, midagigi, et sa saaks aru mida ma tunnen. Mitte, et ma tahaks sulle haiget teha aga ma tahan, et sa saaks aru mis ma tunnen, mis mu sees toimub kui sa niimoodi käitud. Sa räägid, et sulle tundub, et sa eemaldud K-st ja K-st.... Mulle tundub, et sa eemaldud minust.... Oeh kui ma vaid saaks aega tagasi keerata.....

Igatahes, pole hullu, see on elu. Shaalalallalalalaaaalaaaaaa....

Aaa üks lause mis tuli just meelde. Täna kuulsin: "Kui keegi leia 3 korda põhjuse miks öelda ära millestki, siis ta tegelt ei tahagi seda". See pani mõtlema sellele, et kuna üks inimene on juba 3-4 korral leidnud vabandusi miks mitte tulla noortekale siis ta järelikult ei soovi sinna tulla kuigi ta väidab, et soovib... Aga jah see on kindlaks tehtud nii... psühholoogia. 

Kallidmusidpaid!!!

FREAKING ART

I need to have place to speak out my moods and feelings and I'm in art class and literally crying cause I HATE DRAWIGN THAT FREAKING STILL LIFE PICTURE... I don't like drawing perspective...but less I like drawing still life...

Feelings...moods...stuff

My head has been sooo messed up lately. I have so many great friends around me but I just close myself in. I try to be alone as much as possible and don't wanna see anyone. I mean I don't mind to be 1:1 with some friends but when i have already 3-4 people around me I get kind of messed up.
My mind is also bit messed up because I can't understand do I or who I like. There are couple guys in my life and I'm not sure what I feel for them. They are both very important to me and make me feel great and awesome. But it shouldn't matter... I won't let mhyself feel anything like that. They all are too important for let it get messed up.
Anyway I have had so much free time now without facebook. I got 2 works done for school now I just need to finish my scarf and socks and need to get done some tests. I enjoy my life but I'm really thinking to dissapear for week. I thought to tell it just to my teacher and just go somewhere for a week... Well I'll see how things go. I need to get all in order first.
Anyway I ran out of thoughts now.... Will write later.
Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!!!