Messy mess.

This post wont be to anyone. It's just for myself to get my thoughts and feelings out of me because I have no one to tell it all. I'm feeling so pointless and not valuable at all. Tonight will be like third night when I cry myself sleep. I need him and knowing that he don't want me to go to visit him on Sunday makes me feel even more depressed. More like garbage. Like some meaningless person. I know it's not so. I know he loves me and he just want me to rest but he chose good week for that. I'm home not in Räpina and hoped that beside seeing him what I really need I can have couple hours just away from home, Away from that crap and mess I make at home but not now. Why he couldn't choose weekend when I'm in Räpina. Oh well I know he wants best for me but it just makes me worse. It makes me feel like less than ever and makes me more depressed and well helps me fall a sleep with tears in my eyes. I need him so freaking much.