The One

We walk day by day in our small words. Meeting people, getting to know them, dating them and never find that true thing until one time when it comes suddenly. When we can't even expect it. We meet thousands and thousands persons in our lives and suddenly the one is there. We might even not understand it in the beginning. Everything is just the same until we notice that we can't stop thinking of that person. Can't help it but smile when we think of them. We lay down to sleep with a smile one our face and that one person in our mind and wake up with same thoughts.
You are the apple of my eye. Perfect match. You fill the hole in my heart. You are piece of that puzzle what was missing.
Now, watching one film, I just noticed that first time when I felt myself really beautiful, free and comfortable was when I had you in my life. It was when I felt truly beautiful. You came, made my world shine, made me see that there can be love for me. Made me understand that I'm more than just some fat ugly, rude,pig, cow, slut, and whatever words you can think of... It's just what I've heard since I can remember, since I was kid. It was with what I grew up. Now you came to my life and made me see all the beauty I have. I still think I am fat. Not think but know. But not in that bad way I used to think. I'm finally happily engaged and wouldn't change it for anything. :) I've found the one I wanna spend my life with.

Messy mess.

This post wont be to anyone. It's just for myself to get my thoughts and feelings out of me because I have no one to tell it all. I'm feeling so pointless and not valuable at all. Tonight will be like third night when I cry myself sleep. I need him and knowing that he don't want me to go to visit him on Sunday makes me feel even more depressed. More like garbage. Like some meaningless person. I know it's not so. I know he loves me and he just want me to rest but he chose good week for that. I'm home not in Räpina and hoped that beside seeing him what I really need I can have couple hours just away from home, Away from that crap and mess I make at home but not now. Why he couldn't choose weekend when I'm in Räpina. Oh well I know he wants best for me but it just makes me worse. It makes me feel like less than ever and makes me more depressed and well helps me fall a sleep with tears in my eyes. I need him so freaking much.

You are beautiful

First I must say that this title to that post came because lately I need to remind to myself very often that I am beautiful. I am depressed and stressed out. So freaking much to do in school, my boyfriend is in military and I got to see him only once a week and now probably not before when he comes out so that makes me extra stressed... depressed. He reason why I want to get up and go forward with one more day. But it's ok I must get through I just don't have any other choice. I've never wanted to be skinny but now, lately I wish I was. For once I want to be slim and light to lift and that all my clothes would fit perfectly and that I shouldn't worry so much how I look. I know people love me for who I am and my boyfriend does but why can't I? I'm so tired of smiling and pretending that everything is ok. Pretending that I'm happy with who I am. But I don't have other choice. Ofc there is always possible to change but I know that  I myself don't have so much strength or self-discipline to change myself. I just can't help it. So anyway it's that somethign few I just thought I want to write out from myself if I can say it so.  

Love you all. Hugs and kisses

Pühendus

Selle posti kirjutan siia lihtsalt pühenduseks oma ühele "vennale". Oled mulle nii tohutult kallis ja eriline ja vajalik. Ma tean, et ma ei suuda ealeski seda tõestada kui oluline ja vajalik sa tegelikult mulle oled. Ma võin seda sulle miljon korda öelda aga päriselt koos olles ei suuda seda välja näidata kui häppi ma olen, et mul on sinu sugune "venna". Sa oled mulle toeks olnud rasketel aegadel ja sa oled uskunud minusse kui mina seda ei ole suutnud. Oled olnud olemas kui olen sind kõige enam vajanud. Sa saad aru mida ma tunnen. Ma võin sind tihti välja vihastada oma tujude ja lapsikustega aga ma tõesti südamest armastan sind kallis vennakene! Anna andeks, et ei suuda seda päriselt välja näidata aga loodan, et usud natukenegi minusse ja sellesse kui kallis ja eriline ja vajalik sa mulle oled! Aitäh, et olemas oled! <3 p="p">

New year

New year. New life. New people to meet and new things to do. What I expect from a 2013? That I can be with my boyfriend till 2014 and then 2015 and then 2016.... What else... That my life will get new touch, that I could get my relation with God back in order. I hope that my love will grow bigger. I wish that I find enough strength to change. To grow up. I don't want to annoy anyone by my stupid acting, by my stupid sentences or doings. I don't wanna be childish. I want people to like me not to hate me. I want to be the one that everyone look at and think wow she is one amazing person. I want people to see me as great friend and loving woman. I expect to have life what I can enjoy.
You know guys, I never give promises on new years eve. I just wish better year than last one was. I just hope to have better life. At the moment I'm kind of messed up. Don't know why. Just seems like everything is going more messy. So that's why I expect better year. I just expect. Nothing else.
So guys I really recommend take a second, minute or more and think what are you expecting from 2013. More money? Better grades? Love? Friends? Or something else. And what are you willign to give for it to make it work? Love you all. Hugs.

Still loving him

It's been a while when I had my last post in here. I have had busy summer. Most of the time with my boyfriend and travelling between school, home and boyfriend's place. We had our ups and downs even had time to break up ans seriously break up it was worst time in my life. I was able to give up and I almost did it when one point his brother, who has always been against all his relations told me that he will do everything to help us to get back together and he was one who told me not to give up who told me to fight. I don't know if I would have made it without him. During this relation I have seen how people can change. I have seen myself changing and my boyfriend changing. Is it love? I guess so. Things he never wanted. Like he has always been against marriage and always said he doesn't want to have children and now suddenly we talk about getting married and kids in the future. Not in the close future but in future sometime. We talk about house, about living together about everything. He is person whom I trust 100%. I tell him everything. Even if it sometimes hurts him but I can't hide or lie to him. I believe that having strong relationship includes total trust between two people. I still do have my moments when I think if he is the one but we never know what future brings, we never know what our heart does but at the moment I love him with every smallest part of my life.
I have always thought and still think that we don't have that right to tell anyone, even to our partners to whom they can or can't talk to or with who they can be friends and with who they can't. We don't have that right. But when he is friend with some people, it makes me insecure. Like one girl who is one of his dearest friends.  I don't like her. I don't know why. It's just she protects him no matter what. I do understand it but still it hurts. Like I know I will hurt him sooner or later but not with purpose. I love him with everything. It's just annoying. I mean it's difficult. I do understand her. She wants to protect someone who is dear to her. I would do same. But saying that I'm not allowed to try again with him made me stop liking her. I don't like him chatting with old girlfriends or something but I don't have right to tell him not to communicate with them. I mean I know he loves me. He wouldn't be with me if he wouldn't love me because no guys wont be with anyone, especially with someone who is fat when others are always mocking him because of that. If he wouldn't love me, he would leave me but he does love me. And that is why I love him so much. I love him more than my life. I love him because how he makes me feel. I love him because he is there for me, he believes in me and he wants me. I love him just because. I just love him!

My heart beats for love

Hei hei guys.
I know couple months ago I wrote about me being in love. Yes I was but it was wrong so I didn't allow myself that relation. After couple weeks I started chatting with one guy on my facebook list and we got quite close. Now he is my boyfriend and I love him with love I haven't have for anyone else before. It's old feeling because I have been in love but it's also new feeling because I've never loved like that. I mean unconditionally loved with all what I have. He gives me strength to be me. I don't have my regular complexes or blocks with him. I'm just me. I can just be without pretending anyone else. I'm doing stuff I have always wanted to do but afraid to do them because I have had complexes about my weight or how I look or something but with him  well I'm different. I don't wanna lose him. Never. I love him from top of my head to the end of my toes. I'm so happy that he is in my life. I would post picture here but I don't have pictures in my laptop yet. They are still in my camera.
Anyway I love you all. Just wanted to share this small thing with you all!
Have fun and enjoy summer!
Hugs, kisses