Oh my ... lot has happened.
Lately I feel like I wanna give up so much. It's only first week in university and I've already been in tears so many times because I just freaking don't understand things. It's been easy for me to study and get my stuff done. Studies never were difficult for me and now I have things I just can't understand and it all makes me think I've given out so many tears in my first month then how much more will there be by the end of 4th year? I went to school on Monday morning really thinking like I can't do it. I don't have strength. I can't manage and I wanna take out my papers. Luckily I don't do things out of emotions or moment feelings. I had geometry and at the moment we have just easier things there but I still can't understand. I'm not even sure I did it all right.
It's still difficult, school and being here and I still feel like I can't do it but then I think why I wanted to come to the university first place - to fulfill my dream and to prove to myself and my family/friends that even if it took me 4 years longer to finish high school I can still do it.
I have awesome course mates. I was really scared at the beginning because they all seemed so bitchy and mean but as soon as I got to know them I realized that I'm in class with some very awesome people. I feel that they care and they are really friendly. There is especially 3 girls with who I have been chatting more. Then there is one other girl who's personality is so cute. She is like dolly. And then there are others whom I don't know very well because we haven't chatted so much they all of them seem friendly.
I haven't been in church much lately. Mainly because I decided to take this week to get my school things back to order.
Me, my feelings, emotions and myself have been total mess lately. There is a guy whom I've like past 3 years and bit more even and he would be kind of perfect (and no I don't say that he is perfect because everyone have their negative sides) but nothing seems to work out. Sometimes I do feel like there is something between us. My family likes him. My friends keep telling me that we match perfectly and I feel so free talking him and can talk about anything. He knows kind of a lot about me. But oh well. Anyway he knows I have feelings for him. We have talked lot about it, about us. And yesterday I asked if I should hide those feelings or do I have some chance. He didn't replay to it so I told him that he can think about it and as long as he hasn't told me what should I do, I wont take contact with him (unless there is something important or something). Because those feelings well they just wont disappear but every time when I meet someone new I just can't allow myself to have any feelings because every time I think what if something could work out with that guy. Beside I would really really want him. But if he feels that there can't anything happen between us then well I just have to let him go. :)
