Messy mess.

This post wont be to anyone. It's just for myself to get my thoughts and feelings out of me because I have no one to tell it all. I'm feeling so pointless and not valuable at all. Tonight will be like third night when I cry myself sleep. I need him and knowing that he don't want me to go to visit him on Sunday makes me feel even more depressed. More like garbage. Like some meaningless person. I know it's not so. I know he loves me and he just want me to rest but he chose good week for that. I'm home not in Räpina and hoped that beside seeing him what I really need I can have couple hours just away from home, Away from that crap and mess I make at home but not now. Why he couldn't choose weekend when I'm in Räpina. Oh well I know he wants best for me but it just makes me worse. It makes me feel like less than ever and makes me more depressed and well helps me fall a sleep with tears in my eyes. I need him so freaking much.

You are beautiful

First I must say that this title to that post came because lately I need to remind to myself very often that I am beautiful. I am depressed and stressed out. So freaking much to do in school, my boyfriend is in military and I got to see him only once a week and now probably not before when he comes out so that makes me extra stressed... depressed. He reason why I want to get up and go forward with one more day. But it's ok I must get through I just don't have any other choice. I've never wanted to be skinny but now, lately I wish I was. For once I want to be slim and light to lift and that all my clothes would fit perfectly and that I shouldn't worry so much how I look. I know people love me for who I am and my boyfriend does but why can't I? I'm so tired of smiling and pretending that everything is ok. Pretending that I'm happy with who I am. But I don't have other choice. Ofc there is always possible to change but I know that  I myself don't have so much strength or self-discipline to change myself. I just can't help it. So anyway it's that somethign few I just thought I want to write out from myself if I can say it so.  

Love you all. Hugs and kisses

Pühendus

Selle posti kirjutan siia lihtsalt pühenduseks oma ühele "vennale". Oled mulle nii tohutult kallis ja eriline ja vajalik. Ma tean, et ma ei suuda ealeski seda tõestada kui oluline ja vajalik sa tegelikult mulle oled. Ma võin seda sulle miljon korda öelda aga päriselt koos olles ei suuda seda välja näidata kui häppi ma olen, et mul on sinu sugune "venna". Sa oled mulle toeks olnud rasketel aegadel ja sa oled uskunud minusse kui mina seda ei ole suutnud. Oled olnud olemas kui olen sind kõige enam vajanud. Sa saad aru mida ma tunnen. Ma võin sind tihti välja vihastada oma tujude ja lapsikustega aga ma tõesti südamest armastan sind kallis vennakene! Anna andeks, et ei suuda seda päriselt välja näidata aga loodan, et usud natukenegi minusse ja sellesse kui kallis ja eriline ja vajalik sa mulle oled! Aitäh, et olemas oled! <3 p="p">

New year

New year. New life. New people to meet and new things to do. What I expect from a 2013? That I can be with my boyfriend till 2014 and then 2015 and then 2016.... What else... That my life will get new touch, that I could get my relation with God back in order. I hope that my love will grow bigger. I wish that I find enough strength to change. To grow up. I don't want to annoy anyone by my stupid acting, by my stupid sentences or doings. I don't wanna be childish. I want people to like me not to hate me. I want to be the one that everyone look at and think wow she is one amazing person. I want people to see me as great friend and loving woman. I expect to have life what I can enjoy.
You know guys, I never give promises on new years eve. I just wish better year than last one was. I just hope to have better life. At the moment I'm kind of messed up. Don't know why. Just seems like everything is going more messy. So that's why I expect better year. I just expect. Nothing else.
So guys I really recommend take a second, minute or more and think what are you expecting from 2013. More money? Better grades? Love? Friends? Or something else. And what are you willign to give for it to make it work? Love you all. Hugs.