Mess

I don't understand why people write their days or happenings in some blog or something. But I'm also one of them. It's just helps me get through with everything. All situations what is going in my life. I'm not even sure does anyone reads that but ok still (:
You know guys, I often think that I should update my blog. I will open my blog and I don't have any ideas what to write. Lately I have had total mess in my life. In my mind and head. Times have been really difficult. Family stuff don't seem getting better, school things getting worse and worse. Today I went to school over 2 weeks and guess what, I couldn't be there. It was so difficult. I was there for 4 lessons and then just went away. I can't I felt like something is strangling me. I just started cry like middle of class tears just came into my eyes. So I left school. Well I have lot to do. So I can study for tests now at home. It's little bit easier to study there. Well I don't say it's easier for me to study home. No, not at all but still easier than to be in school right now. It's like snowball. when it starts to roll it's getting bigger and bigger and so difficult to stop it.
Why are all things coming at once. All circumstances are always there at same time. I mean those bad ones like school, family, faith, friends, love e.t.c. It's not fair.
Its so difficult to believe for me that there is some solution for all that. I don't know what to do anymore. Crying and just being. Well I'm feeling like empty inside. but same time it's so big mess inside of me. Like when your room is getting more messy ad onetime you realize that you have no idea where to start or where to put all those things. Its same feeling inside of me. It's so messed up there that I have no idea anymore what to do, how to start. It's like I want to talk everything out but I have no idea what or how to say. How to put my thoughts into words. It seems impossible. Sometimes I just feel that I want to go to somewhere and just scream. Actually it helps. I have tried. Twice maybe. But the thing is usually I don't have that kind of place where just to scream. Once I did it on a boat. It was big wind outside so it was good to scream. It wasn't because I felt bad but I just had to release that.
Well I'm out of thoughts right now. I will update as soon as I get some ideas or other thoughts.
Much hugs.

Oh my

Well I have lot of thoughts in my head. Like I have two very dear friends. They are talking every day, every night. They just have to talk. It's like something you need to have. Like addiction. They are talkign more to each other than the one they are dating. So they have internet relation. Well none of them would never admit it but it really is so. Believe me I know :D

Second main thing I'm thinking is about someone who are living in Hawaii. There is one guy. I was the one who made him smile over many years, one who cared and really loved him (so I know internet relations ;) ) and then there is that girl living there. She is 17 she don't have parents and have difficult life. So this guy took her to his place to take care of her. And she just made him choose her. Before when I said to stop talking with him because it hurts he said that it's not fair. HE made choice and he want to talk with me. Even when he never have possibility to see me he loves me. And then this girl wanted to hang herself. Or well with that she made him to choose her. Well ok she need him more than I do but still. I hate manipulating. It's not right for that guy. Well if he is happy it's ok but still. That made me kind of hate that girl. I have wished her better hang herself than done this. I'm mean I know. It's not like me at all. But it's just how I'm feeling right now. So I'm sorry. But just what that all made me feel. Many days with tears on my eyes many night without sleeping. Just being hurt because how she made him to choose ... it's not right.
Anyway I'm out of thoughts right now so Enjoy ;)
Much hugs.