Messed up

Hei hei.
Someone asked me about my statistics of that blog and I was really surprised. Even someone from China and Indonesia, Netherlands, United States, France, Canada and there are even more countries but those really surprised me.
Anyway couple last weeks I have felt really messed up. I enjoy my life, studies, school, all where I'm involved with but it's too much lately. I just put my psychologist time and going there today. I just need to talk with someone who is neutral, not from my group. Lately I feel like I don't wanna excist. I do think really negative thoughts I even took lot of some kind of medicine in my hand yesterday cause I just wanted to feel bad inside but I didn't take it in and I'm proud of myself cause of that. I was sittign with one friend, holding those tablets in my hand and just thought to take them in but when I was sittign there for like 45 min I changed my mind. I went and found one friend to who I tell everything about myself and just gave those to him. I didn't say anything just gave those to him and just left. Some minutes later he came to my room and hugged me. I told him I didn't take any but I really wanted. He said he was proud of me and it made me feel good. When he huggs me I feel nice and small and good. He is really tiny and thin and I call him small but he makes me feel good. When he huggs I fool comfortable and warm. He is very sweet and kind to everyone and it shines out through his hugging. I really do love him and he is like my little brother. He often makes me feel angry and mad about him and Wants me to scream but I can't leave him. He is one most important guy in my life. So I need him in my life.
I ran out of ideas. Love you all!!!
Hugs, kisses!

Mõtteid mõtteid mõtteid

Mis teeb meid ilusaks? Kas meik nöos? Kena soeng? Ilusad ja uhked riided? - Ei. Need kõik on muidugi ilusad aga need ei ole põhjuseks miks meie oleme ilusad. Mis siis teeb meid ilusaks? Meie sõbrad, sest nende jaoks oleme me ilusad. Me peame oma sõpru ilusateks... Kas siis välimuselt või sisemuselt aga nad on ilusad. Seega on sõbrad need kes teevad meid ilusateks.

Mul on kõrini mõnest inimesest. Ei ma ei saa öelda kõrini aga aegajalt viskab üle. C'mon näo ees on hull sõber ja nii lähedane, teab must kõike ja sealsamas 5 minutit hiljem eirab. Ma tean keda ma usaldan ja keda ma usun. See teeb haiget kui inimene keda sa kogu südamest usud ei suuda pidada oma lubadusi. Jah see käib sinu kohta pisikene. Kui palju sa oled lubanud igasugu asju ja neid mitte täitnud? See kriibib mul sees, lihtsalt pidin siia kirjutama. Sa oled mulle nii tähtis, väikese vennakese eest ja sealsamas ma soovin et ma suudaks su peale vihane olla. Sidn eirata, ignoreerida, blokkida, midagigi, et sa saaks aru mida ma tunnen. Mitte, et ma tahaks sulle haiget teha aga ma tahan, et sa saaks aru mis ma tunnen, mis mu sees toimub kui sa niimoodi käitud. Sa räägid, et sulle tundub, et sa eemaldud K-st ja K-st.... Mulle tundub, et sa eemaldud minust.... Oeh kui ma vaid saaks aega tagasi keerata.....

Igatahes, pole hullu, see on elu. Shaalalallalalalaaaalaaaaaa....

Aaa üks lause mis tuli just meelde. Täna kuulsin: "Kui keegi leia 3 korda põhjuse miks öelda ära millestki, siis ta tegelt ei tahagi seda". See pani mõtlema sellele, et kuna üks inimene on juba 3-4 korral leidnud vabandusi miks mitte tulla noortekale siis ta järelikult ei soovi sinna tulla kuigi ta väidab, et soovib... Aga jah see on kindlaks tehtud nii... psühholoogia. 

Kallidmusidpaid!!!

FREAKING ART

I need to have place to speak out my moods and feelings and I'm in art class and literally crying cause I HATE DRAWIGN THAT FREAKING STILL LIFE PICTURE... I don't like drawing perspective...but less I like drawing still life...

Feelings...moods...stuff

My head has been sooo messed up lately. I have so many great friends around me but I just close myself in. I try to be alone as much as possible and don't wanna see anyone. I mean I don't mind to be 1:1 with some friends but when i have already 3-4 people around me I get kind of messed up.
My mind is also bit messed up because I can't understand do I or who I like. There are couple guys in my life and I'm not sure what I feel for them. They are both very important to me and make me feel great and awesome. But it shouldn't matter... I won't let mhyself feel anything like that. They all are too important for let it get messed up.
Anyway I have had so much free time now without facebook. I got 2 works done for school now I just need to finish my scarf and socks and need to get done some tests. I enjoy my life but I'm really thinking to dissapear for week. I thought to tell it just to my teacher and just go somewhere for a week... Well I'll see how things go. I need to get all in order first.
Anyway I ran out of thoughts now.... Will write later.
Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!!!

The three of life

I was watching one film in Jürgen's room. It seemed sooooo pointless. Name was The tree of life. I wasn't able to watch it till the end because at some point it just reminded me my life in past. Father there was really like punctual about everythign and harsh with kids. Everything had t be perfect. It reminded me time when I was younger and living home. I felt so same. I got beated up often and had to do sooo many things. I just couldnt watch it. It opened up some wounds in me.
Anyway I lost my thoughts now. (: Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!

40 days without facebook: Day 1-3

I deactivated my facebook account for many reasons. I will be away at least for 40 days. Someone very special told me that when I am able to be away from facebook for 40 days then I'm not addicted to it. Beside now I have more time for myself, for God and for my school. I have understood how much time facebook took from my life. Now my computer is just on for music and my msn is logged in or skype but I'm not there. My laptop is on the table and I'm just listenign music or knitting, studying or something. I decided it's time to give more of my time to God. He has greated me, he owns my heart least I can do is give some time to Daddy. He deserves it.

On Thursday we had youth meeting in Räpina. We watched one movie and well later we watched one interview by Kim Walker.  She told how Jesus told her how much He loves her and how she was created. We are taken from Daddy's heart and we all fit in one perfect place in His heart. He has made His great plan for everyone of us. His plan for us is THE best. When we walk on the way He has for us He feels happiness for us. He sings over us. Hold us in His arms. Embrace us with His love. He is all we need.

Today I was in Seventh Day Adventist Church. I usually don't go there but today I went with friend. And this first part like bible study or whatever it is there we were discussing that what matters is in our heart. You can read some prayers or whatever just by heart and not think about it but it doesen't help much. What matters is what comes from your heart. God seeks your heart.

I just think about it how I can give more to God. I love my friends but I can't be with them so much. I just can't I feel like I don't have my space. I need more time alone. More and more lately. But yeah everything nwill be ok. I know.

Love you all! Hugs, kisses!

Deactivated my FB account

If anyone happens to read it then I just wanna let you guys know, I deactivated my facebook account (: Just because I wanted... I kept spending too much time in there and soem peopel are tellign it's my life. I had to do it. Thank you! Love you!

Extraordinarily ordinary

My life has had lot of ups and downs lately. I have thought so much about things and tried to fix things on my own. I have tried to be the best on my own and tried to help everyone and stuff but I realised that I'm not able to fix everything on my own. It's not gonna work. So on Friday when I was driving to Tartu with Ahti, I had some chat with him and we ended it up there that some preachers and pastor they might by best ones in the world but one is telling one thing and other is telling totally different and you have no idea who you should listen. What God wants us is to listen our heart cause He spokes there what is right and what is wrong. When we get saved we were redeemed by the blood of Christ and we don't have to feel guilty by our deeds. It is what Satan wants us: to feel guilty. We are saved by God's grace and nothign what we do can take this away or add it there.He loves us with all of his heart, from bottom of his heart!
This weekend has been amazing. God has spoken so much into my life. Made me understand of things and fixed things in me. I was able to forgive to someone and it made me free. I have laughed, danced and just had fun in the presence of Lord and this feeling is too amazing to put it into words. So I'm exited about going back into my everyday ordinary life to life it extraordinarily with God. (:
Love you all!
Hugs, kisses.

Hei hei people.
I just watched one nature movie about earth. It was amazing. Made me think about the life and God's work. It's amazing how He has put everything in work. Even though yeah thanks to global warming some animals are going to die but still all this world, nature everything it's just amazing.
I'm going around here in Ireland, looking those cliffs and roads and landscape and I'm amazed by all those differences about two countries. And well no need to point out my brother's church. I just absolutely love it. LOVE IT! It's mainly black people and it's real. They are serving living God not just some religious stuff.
And all those castles, old houses, fortresses in Ireland makes me wish to move here.
But I wanna come back by 18th November when they have women's conference here. Need to pray and see maybe I can come... For weekend. Would be great.
Love you all... have fun. Hugs, kisses <3

Trust yourself

I know I have to trust myself more. If I am sure about someone I have to stop doubting, have to stop listenign others and HAVE TO trust myself! Like darn I don't have words... Past 2 days have been crazy. I feel so empty so crazy. I feel like I should lock myself into my room and get out only for school and stuff like that and stop talkign with people but I am not able to stop friendship with some friends I love. Some people are just waaaay too important for me . I know it all will just calm down and will be fine. But yeah note for myself: TRUST YOURSELF!
Hugs people, love you!

Kallikesele!!!!

Kuna tänane kaart jäi andmata ja igatsus on suur siis tahaksin pühendada selle posti ühele kallikestest! Oled mulle tohutult tähtis, ääretult kallis ja ülimalt oluline. Üks vajalikematest inimestest mulle. Ma võin küll tujutseda ja masetseda aga sinu sõprus on kahesajakuuekümnega eriline. Oled olemas kui sind vajan. Oled kui kallihinnaline pärl mida tuleb hoida. Oled nii armsalt siiras, jah võid küll olla blondu aga sa oled lihtsalt nii imeline inimene! Sa väärid nii palju paremat ja ma olen kindel, et saad seda kõike omama! Oled suure osa mu südamest hõivanud. Aitäh, et eksisteerid! Kallis oled!
Armastusega,
Monza.

My interesting life

Hei hei people.

Who doesen't know then I collapsed in middle of my knitting class last Wednesday. It's kind of weird cause everything was ok. I didn't feel bad I was just eating about 30 min before and was having fun. No stress nothing and then just collapsed. I was uncouncious for several minutes and when I woke up it was such mess I didn't understand anything. It's was creepy for myself. I had difficults of breathing and I was shaking. They called ambulance and they took me to hospital to take some tests. All tests showed that everythign is ok and I don't have any problems. But now 4 days later I still feel so so weak that it isn't normal so I thought to call my doctor to send me to take some specific tests to be totally sure.

My life in Räpina is awesome. I have such an amazing friends in here. Like own small family. I so love them all. We have about 7 people in the group. Cooking together, going to store, walking. 5 are from 1st year and then 2nd and 3rd year. They know I'm totally afraid of dentists. So they all promised to come to hold my hand when I go. Awww they are sooo sweet I totally love them all. But I think they all can't come in. So I need to choose. And that reminds me I need to put dentist appointment. I sooooo don't wanna do it cause already thinking of it makes me panic. CRAZY. I'm not normal. hehhe.

Yesterday I came to dormitory. Didn't wanna stay home longer. And it was soooooo lonely here without any friends and cold. But it was also ok. I had some peace and rest. Even though I was missing my dorm family. So today I woke up and got ready to go to church by 1pm. I promised to help to do children event there. I took one friend from bus station who just arrived before that and took him with me to the church. He did like it. It was fun. Some singing, prayers, preaching was kind of childish cause we had lot of kids there. Later we had great soup, and interesting...hmmm pancakes...  Then we had some handicraft and dances with kids. It was fun.

Now I'm back in my room. Had half of pizza and about to have big cup of tea. Hope you enjoyed my posting.

Love you all!
Hugs, kisses

TONGUE PIERCINGS

Why this kind of post.... Well I talked with someone something about pierced tongues and then he asked what I have or want with those. Well true one thing is that I have always wanted to have one but not so much anymore but I have always wanted to know how it feels to kiss someone who has tongue piercing. (:

Soooo about Friday. It was awesome. I didn't have to go to school and still I woke up early... like ummh 8.40. Went downstairs to friend's room. Made him some coffee and sandwitch. Have done it past 3-4 days. It's something what makes me happy. Then later I had oppurtunity to see my Siku who came to visit us and take me and my sister back to Võru. It was great time together... Even though second time she got lost in here... hehhe..
In Võru we had some time and went to eat something. They just opened new fast food place so we went there. Oh my we had fun about how they make those sauces i nthere and stuf... ewwww...

Anyway later I and Elisa went to Taheva. It was soooo great to be back there. Haven't seen those kids for ages. I had to write into the Bible what we gifted them so I had some small time to share soemthgin from my heart too. It was just nice and felt warm there. Those kids have became part of us, our family. That friend to who I make those sandwitches told that he wants to coem with us next time too. I'm only happy about it.


Saturday morning came back to Räpina to meet my sweet sister Tally. She and Marko came here. Marko went to meet his son and I had time to spend with Tally. It was great to see her over such a long time again. She is just so amazing and cute girl. Sent her away and spent my evenign with Kadi at the dorm...Hag some ummmh... fun :D

Sunday mornign I went to 2 churches in Räpina and they already want me to help them in both. One belongs into same group where I'm from and other one is methodist church. Well luckily one starts 10 and second starts 13 and then maybe, probably they are goign to start Alpha courses i nthe evenigns too. Will have some fun.

Anyway now had first day of that week in shcool. Got to knit a lot. And made chocolate cake tonight. Had some fun and well I just love to be with people who make me feel good and who are special to me. I know at least oen will be reading it... I hope cause he asked about my blog ;) You are special to me ;)

Hugs and blessings everyone.. Love you all!

New year, new life

Hei hei people who are still reading my post or waiting to read something. New year has started. I mean school year. I'm in new school about 35 km from my home and livign at the dormitory. People here are awesome. I love my subject - textile and my class is cool too. I just need lot of prayers to be able to finish it. I don't wanna leave that school here and people. I have already started love many of them.
About church and my faith life. I was in worship group on last Sunday. It was awesome. I haven't been in worship for maybe 4 years. I can't explain it all. It was great. Tomorrow maybe I, my sister, 2 friends form school and some other from church are going to the Taheva's orphange place. I have been there ummmh maybe 4 times. Can't remember exactly. I so wanna go. It's awesoem place with great people.
God is doing amazing things in my life. When I was thinkign about school and money stuff and rent I got like really depressed and had no idea how to do manage and then I heard Joyce Meyer's preachign and I understood that only hope what we can have is in God. People may give up on us but God doesen't. People may leave us but God doesen't. People may forgot us but God doesen't. So I understood that I have to trust him in my money and he figures out how things are goign to settle down.
I try to post more often if I have anything. Love you all.!

You're Blessed - Matthew 5: 3-12 The Message version

   ³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
   ⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
   ⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
   ⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
   ⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
   ⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
   ⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
   ¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
   ^{11 -12}"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.