Sulle.

Mida öelda kui kõik on öeldud? Kuidas leida tähelepanu sellelt kellelt seda vajad? Kas kõik on ajutine? Mööduv? Vaevalt. Kuidas unustada kedagi keda sa pole suutnud aastate jooksul unustada isegi kui sa oled teistega? Kuidas saada lahti piinavast valust enda sees ja teadmisest, et sa ei saa teda kunagi omale? Miks ei saa? Kõik tundub ju nii ideaalne. Ideaalne vastamaks igale kriteeriumile. Olgu, jah tõesti, inimesed pole ideaalsed aga mõni võib olla väga lähedal täiuslikkusele. Keha, välimus, isiksus, uskumised, tõekspidamised, iseloom. Öeldakse, et alati tuleb parem. Keegi kes paneb kõik eelneva unustama. Ma ei usu seda. Kui mu süda juba kuulub kellelegi on raske seda teistele lubada. Kui ma ei saa sind, ei ole ma kindel, et kedagi teist tahan. Tead kui raske on olla su kõrval saamata sind hoida, kallistada, puudutada. Olles su embuses kõik mu ümber sulab ja mitte miski ei loe. Need meeletult pikad kallistused tähistaeva all (kahel korral), need tundide pikkused vestlused. Sa oled justkui unenägu mis kunagi tõeks ei saa. Tead kui palju olen näinud unes, et oleme koos. Et meil on pere, et jalutame koos või oleme lihtsalt paar. Tahaks hoida su käest ja mitte kunagi lahti lasta. Olla su embuses, su kõrval. Tunnen, et olen su kaotanud ilma sind omamata. Oled parim mis minuga eales juhtunud on ilma et sa oleksid olnud minu. Oled parim. Mis on õige? Saame me seda üldse kunagi teadma? Alati tuleb nagunii uus. Keegi uus sulle, keegi uus mulle. Aga tea, et jääd alati südamesse. Oled kõige erilisemal kohal, graveeritud sügavale mu südamesse. Oled nagu tatoo mu südames. Kas pole kummaline, et ma ei tea sind sellisena nagu teised, ma ei tea tegelikku sind ja ometigi olen nii meeletult armunud. Ometigi tunnen end sinuga nii vabana, et võiksin kõike teha, kõigest rääkida ilma muretsemata. Ometigi oled isik kes suudab mind täielikult maha rahustada lihtsalt sellega, et oled. Kas pole kummaline, et kuigi sa oled minuga külma ja eemalehoidev, on see pannud mind sinusse ülepeakaela armuma? Ma oleks valmis andma nii palju lihtsalt selle nimel, et saaksin olla sinuga. Kas on üldse kunagi lootust, et see unenägu saab teoks? On kunagi lootust et need unenäod mida olen näinud saavad teoks? On lootust, et ma hoian sul käest, olen su embuses ja saan seda kõike nautida reaalajas? Kahtlen. Öeldakse, et lootus sureb viimasena. Kallis, ma isegi ei tea enam kas mul on lootust järgi. Ma tahan sind, vajan sind. Aga ei saa. Kunagi? Kes teab, seda näitab aeg. Aga kui pikk on aeg? Kuidas sa tunneksid end kui ma peaksin homme surema? Oleks sul kahju? Kahetseksid? Või ei tunneks sa suurt midagi? Olen ma sulle killukesegi nii oluline kui sina mulle? Olen ma sulle üldse oluline? Ma ei tea. Ma ei jaksa. Ma ei taha. Ma ei suuda. Aga peab. Elu on ebaõiglane ja läheb alati edasi. Lihtsalt tea, et armastan sind. Ilmselt need tunded ei kao kunagi ja kardan, et see kõik jääb lihtsalt üheks unenäoks mis ealeski tõeks ei saa.

Some words over long time

Nothing and no one can make us happy if we don't choose to be happy. If we don't take risks and try we won't achieve anything. Do we have enough strength to take risks and try things. What if they don't work out? But what if they do? What it those risks are our only chances to be truly happy? What if those risks are only right choices to make? Why not to take the risk and try? We are always afraid to lose people who are important to us. It's so much safer to continue as things are. Not to take risks. Give up? Not always you can say it's giving up. It needs strength as well. Sometimes we need time. More time. Maybe not days or weeks or months. Sometimes even year is not enough. Sometime we might need five or ten or even fifty years, who knows. But when we keep strong, keep going and keep moving we will get where we need to be.

Some weeks ago when I was visiting southern Estonia we did some make up and took some photos with my amazing, beautiful friend C, her sister and my little sister. Couple days earlier I did similar make up alone in Tallinn because I was bored and wanted to do something different and something interesting. My pictures you can check at my photoblog http://monzafotoblogi.blogspot.com

This week has been crazy. Like seriously. I have been depressed. Classmates have seen it. I was in school only for short time and even then I were just there with my earphones on listening music. I didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to meet anyone, didn't want to answer to any questions. Luckily I'm feeling better now.
Only thing what helped me keep going was art. I finished couple drawings. One drawing was about one very very special friend of mine. I started drawing him months ago. Probably in spring when I was still in Räpina. Now I finished and his words made me happy. Seriously happy. He said he is lightly speechless. It's some of the best words he has ever said. Of course there has been others too. Like he doesn't want to lose one important person in his life - me. But anyway... Other drawing I had been doing over a year. I enjoy how it came out. I love it. Even though many people told that I am christian, how can I post or draw something like that. But I don't know. I love it. It talks so much. It has so many feelings and it is great work (except one hand I hate how it came out but I just wasn't able to fix it... )

 Today J came to visit. I have been busy in school he has been busy at work. Now we finally had time to meet. We had some wassail, made some gingerbread cookies, looked old pictures and just chatted. It was so nice to have J here again. I've missed so much our vine evenings.

...feelings... emotions...

Oh my ... lot has happened. 

Lately I feel like I wanna give up so much. It's only first week in university and I've already been in tears so many times because I just freaking don't understand things. It's been easy for me to study and get my stuff done. Studies never were difficult for me and now I have things I just can't understand and it all makes me think I've given out so many tears in my first month then how much more will there be by the end of 4th year? I went to school on Monday morning really thinking like I can't do it. I don't have strength. I can't manage and I wanna take out my papers. Luckily I don't do things out of emotions or moment feelings. I had geometry and at the moment we have just easier things there but I still can't understand. I'm not even sure I did it all right. 

 It's still difficult, school and being here and I still feel like I can't do it but then I think why I wanted to come to the university first place - to fulfill my dream and to prove to myself and my family/friends that even if it took me  4 years longer to finish high school I can still do it. 

I have awesome course mates. I was really scared at the beginning because they all seemed so bitchy and mean but as soon as I got to know them I realized that I'm in class with some very awesome people. I feel that they care and they are really friendly. There is especially 3 girls with who I have been chatting more. Then there is one other girl who's personality is so cute. She is like dolly. And then there are others whom I don't know very well because we haven't chatted so much they all of them seem friendly.

I haven't been in church much lately. Mainly because I decided to take this week to get my school things back to order. 

Me, my feelings, emotions and myself have been total mess lately. There is a guy whom I've like past 3 years and bit more even and he would be kind of perfect (and no I don't say that he is perfect because everyone have their negative sides) but nothing seems to work out. Sometimes I do feel like there is something between us. My family likes him. My friends keep telling me  that we match perfectly and I feel so free talking him and can talk about anything. He knows kind of a lot about me. But oh well. Anyway he knows I have feelings for him. We have talked lot about it, about us. And yesterday I asked if I should hide those feelings or do I have some chance. He didn't replay to it so I told him that he can think about it and as long as he hasn't told me what should I do, I wont take contact with him (unless there is something important or something). Because those feelings well they just wont disappear but every time when I meet someone new I just can't allow myself to have any feelings because every time I think what if something could work out with that guy. Beside I would really really want him. But if he feels that there can't anything happen between us then well I just have to let him go. :) 

I know that I know that I know that God loves me!

Today when I woke up first I checked my facebook and instagram and stayed bed for a quite long time. And then after a while I realized that it's not right. I mean obviously something is wrong when first thing is checking my social media accounts but not saying Good morning to God or putting some worship or reading my Bible. I realized that I should start my day with God. That should be the first thing to do. I hope I will remember it tomorrow. Is it then just some words to my Daddy like: "Good morning Daddy! I love you! Bless me today!" Or whatever. But I made choice to start my day with God. I believe that it has big effect on our lives. Giving permission to God in the morning to be with you makes a lot of change during your day. Second thing what I was discussing with a friend on Sunday after church is noticing small things. We never know when God is actually protecting us. Maybe reason you were late in the morning was because otherwise you would've been in car crash or whatever. We never know what is happening in spiritual world and how angels are actually fighting for us in that world as Word of God says in Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere." That's why we actually don't know what is happening when we are living our everyday life. And I believe it's good we don't know. It's good that God doesn't allow everyone to see spiritual world. I have seen it. Very very small of it and believe me, it's better not to. 

Today I went to Bible study in church I go in Tallinn now. And it was great! There were so much I understood what pastor told and what I actually got from God just being there, sitting. I was thinking about my past half year how God has worked in it and what He has done and I just got that question: "Who am I?" And it was like God told me itself that I am daughter of God. Daughter of most high, daughter of almighty and when I am Hid little child then I don't need to worry about anything. If I walk with Him in Hid plans then He has prepared everything for me. Like apartment in Tallinn. And I don't know why I got that one but I've always known that worship is one of the strongest weapons against satan because he was worship leader among angels. But Today I understood that it's not meant worship as singing only but worship and worshiping God with our everyday lives and lifting His name high. If we serve Him everyday with our lives then satan gets scared. And this is how worship is strongest weapon against satan. 

I know that I know that I know that God loves me! 

Going into my new life

Hey guys!

Much has happened and I think it will be long post because I have so much on my mind. Where do start? Well I graduated! Whooooohoooo.  It was one of the happiest days of my life. I looked soooo pretty even though yeah I am fat but I do think I was one of the most beautiful looking girls there. It was because it meant so much to me. Here is one picture of my class who made it through 3 years and finally graduated :) 

I am very happy with my dress how it came out. It took me and my "teacher" who helped me to make it 3 days to make that dress. It's my dream dress. I've wanted something like that long maxi dress with red and black lace for 2-3 years now. I was even looking pictures of red and black (lace) dresses online. And it fits me perfectly. I got so many positive feedback. But it wasn't only feedback. I also gave speech. Usually students just go there and thank their teachers but I actually had a speech. And even people whom I didn't expect to like it said that they got tears in their eyes. I started it with greeting and then place from Bible. It talked about time. How there is time for everything. Then there was some memories of school how it was and what had happened with some quotes and then I wrote one poem I found on internet. I ended it with thanking our teachers and giving them gifts.

Couple days after finishing school I went to Tallinn for a week. I had exams to get into university. My plan was to go to one university to study fashion design/making clothes but just in case I also applied to Tallinn's University to study art. I loved those exams. First we had to write essay about what is art for me, why I want to study it and what one pictures we had to choose, talks to us. Writing it all made me remember why I love art and how big passion I have for art. Next day we had to draw portrait. It was my first time to draw someone who is really sitting in front. It was fun. I really did enjoy it and that model who was over 50 years old was with very cool personality. And then after that we had another task to paint three objects, playing with colors and contrast and sizes. And then last day we had interview. I got in both and it was really hard to choose which one to study, I decided to study clothes. 

I also visited church in Tallinn what I've always wanted to visit. I or well my mom, older sister and brother they know pastor and his wife from Bible school. From the first minute I stepped in there I felt that I have finally arrived home. It was warmest welcome in any churches I had ever been. And when I move to Tallinn in end of August then I will go to that church and they already want me to help in church work. I'm excited and waiting what God has for me :) It will be some amazing time in Tallinn. Talking about God and faith, I started reading one book. It's about intimacy with God, 30 day journey. And over long time I read Bible. I think currently my favorite book in Bible in Job. I love to read about God's greatness and how big and powerful He is. It makes me think that if He is so amazing and big then there is no doubt that He can take care of me. It all makes me want to search Him more and get more closer to Him. Lately I've also chatted with one friend. I never thought that I have anything common with him but I enjoy chatting with him. He gives me strength to keep looking for God and talking to him makes me want to seek God more and more. He doesn't judge but he is there to listen and tell his thoughts. I'm so thankful to God for a friend like him. This friendship really means lot to me :)

But anyway it came out really long and it's 3.12 already and I need to drive my sister and cousin to camp in the morning so I need to get some sleep.

Song what is playing now:
"Here I am. Finding my way to you... I know you can hear me. I feel you near. I wanna be with you now so I close my eyes... Take my life... Take all my emptiness, I fill it with you. Break through with all my selfishness, make me new."

Part of my life

So much has happened lately. I went to church on Sunday over the long time. I was actually really waiting for it. In one church I was translating and other one, well I was just waiting it and it was really good. God said to me: "All you need is me. You are not ready for anything else. I have seen your pain, your suffering. You are not ready for love yet but I have best for you. I have best plans for you and best husband for you. Trust me, lean on me, be in my presence and stay in my arms. When you are ready, I will show my plans for you! It can be week, it can be month or year. I know when you are ready. Trust in me!" Lot is happening. I've realized that all I actually do need is God. He has the very best for me. It's nit easy but it's truth. I love him so much. Someone asked me today how can I believe in something what sounds such a crap. But I have my own reasons to believe and I do believe it is true. I might not always do well or do good but I know where is my heart and it is what matters. 
But being with some friends I've felt that I'm falling in love again. I don't want to and anyway even if I do, i wont do anything for that. He is there for me and he is very special to my heart but that's all. I may have feelings for him but that's all. Even if he seems perfect. I don't expect anything. :) 

Third news would be that I got my driving licence. Whooop whoop. Happy girl. I feel different now. Feel like more grown up. Fee like I am moving forward. 

Now school is ending and I'm making my graduation dress. I love it. Fabrics are on that picture here too :).  It's kind of like my dream dress for last 2 years. I love it so much and can't wait to finish it and wear it already. It will be my most important graduation. 7 years of high school will be over. Finally!!!! Woohoohohoooohoh. I still need to defense my final work and I will be done! 
In the middle of that all it doesn't mean I have forgotten all that love I have had for someone. No. But when he blocked me on facebook right after he promised to be there for me, I decided that I don't need him. I don't need anyone who doesn't appreciate me as I am. So I don't care. But I hope he will be happy. I do wish all the best for him and if he couldn't be happy with me what makes me more sad you guys can imagine, then I hope he will be happy with someone else. :) I do love him deeply with every small part of me but most important is that he is happy and I know I will be happy one day too :)
What would you do, if someone who should be one of the most important person in your life, someone without who you wouldn't exist  someone who has always been there for you, supported you, helped you one day tells you that you are reason for most of their problems? I understand if it happens when they are angry with you or something but out of nowhere... Well I forgive but this person will never be the same for me again. Now I have only one true father and it is my Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally :)
Anyway hugs and kisses to you all. I'm off to bed! 

Love deeper than oceans

I never thought I will love like I do. Looking back in past years I see now how I have been acting what I've done wrong and what I would do differently. I love someone so much that I would give everything for him. I've never felt love like that. I would be ready to give up all my dreams and plans just for him. I would be ready to give up all travelling I want to do just to spent time with him. I never really wanted or expected kids but I would raise football team if he would love to. I would give up my life for him. He is most important person in my life. It is kind of love I want to feel from someone. I want to feel someone loving me longer than time would last and with passion more deep than oceans. I want to feel and give love what is longer than to the moon and back. I want to feel needed as much or even more than night needs stars and fish need water. I want someone to be willing to give everything for me.

Relationships

I thought other day why I have had so many relations. Around 6-ish. I have had discussions with many people. And so often those who are slimmer and thinner they have had like 1-3 relation at my age. Then I was thinking why I or so many bigger girls have so many relations. I can't talk about others but what I thought was that it's because we need to feel wanted somehow. Need to feel beautiful. If you have boyfriend then no one can say that you are so fat that can't even get a boyfriend. It feels like you always need to prove yourself. Prove that you can have "normal" life, can have boyfriends, that people can look at you and think like you are normal girl. Having boyfriend gives confident. You feel like at least someone wants you, someone loves you, someone thinks you are beautiful :) I know it's wrong and shouldn't be like that but it is. I know I am pretty but still.

God's Love

God has called us to love each other, to take care of each other. Because God loved us first, we can love others. True love comes from Him and there is nothing that can take His love away. Because God so loved the us, He gave His only son to die for us so we could live. How amazing is that? God has loves us so much that He gave order to sun to shine over us that we would have light and He put moon and stars to the sky to light the night. If God knows the name of every single star in the sky then how much more does He loves and knows us? He knows our secrets, He knows our dreams, He knows our hearts, He knows us. He knows how much hair we have and He knows what we've been through. He has cried with us when we have been hurt and laughed with us when we have been happy. I'm so amazed by His love. If He has loved us so much, gave so much then least we can do is love our neighbors. We are called to love each other. We were created to be friends we God and to show His love to others around us. We are here to reflect His greatness, His love. I'm so thankful to God that He is with me when everyone else fails me. He is there, He was there and He always will be there to love me, to hold me, to keep me safe, to lift me up. I love God my Father, my Abba Daddy so much and nothing will ever change that!

Jumal on kutsunud meid armastama üksteist ja hoolitsema üksteise eest. Sellepärast, et Jumal armastas meid ennem, saame meie armastada teisi. Tõeline armastus tuleb Temalt ja ei ole midagi mis võtaks ära Tema armastuse. Sest Jumal armastas meid nii väga, andis Ta oma poja meie eest surema, et meie võiksime elada. Kui imeline on see? Jumal on meid armastanud nii väga, et ta on andnud päiksele käsi särada meie üle, et meil oleks valgust ja Ta pani kuu ja tähed taevasse valgustama ööd meie jaoks. Kui Jumal teab iga üksiku tähe nime taevas, siis kui palju enam ta armastab ja tunneb ta meid? Ta teab meie saladusi, Ta teab meie unistusi, Ta teab meie südant, Ta teab meid. Ta teab kui palju juukseid meil on ja Ta teab millest oleme läbi läinud. Ta on nutnud koos meiega kui meil on olnud valus ja naernud koos meiega kui me oleme olnud õnnelikud. Ma olen nii imestunud Tema armastusest. Kui ta on armastanud meid nii palju siis vähim mis meie saame teha, on armastada oma ligimesi. Me oleme kutsutud armastama üksteist. Meid loodi olema sõbrad Jumalada ja näitama tema armastust teistele meie ümber. Me oleme siin, et peegeldada Tema suurust, Tema armastust. Ma olen nii tänulik Jumalale, et ta on alati minuga kui kõik teised ming hülgavad. Ta on seal, Ta oli seal ja Ta saab alati olema seal, et mind armastada, et mind hoida, et mind kaitsta, et mind tõsta ülesse. Ma armastab Jumalat oma Isa, oma Abba Issit nii väga ja miski ei saa eales muutma seda!

Usk, tervenemine ... usk?

Kuulates palju vingumisi viimasel ajal eriti kristlaste poolt kuidas selg on haige ja põõlved on haiged ja see ja too ja kolmas häda, pani mind mõtlema, et kus on meie usk. Tegelt ma ise tihti samamoodi. Paha olla, voodis, vingus pea või selja või teab mis valu üle. Meil on Jumal kelle poole pöörduda ju. Muidu oleme kõik suured kristlased, usume Jumalasse, loeme, kuulame jutlusi tervenemisest ja sellel hetkel on kõik aamen ja aamen aga kui meil endal on mingi häda, kus siis on Jumal? Kas sa oled mõelnud, et nii kui peavalu või seljavalu või põlve-, jalavalu tuleb, pöördud Isa poole ja ütled lihtsalt talle: Isa, võta ära see valu. Tänan sind tervenemise eest. Tänan sind selle eest, et olen terve. Jeesuse nimel. Aamel. Ja nii lihtne see olekski. Proovi järgmine kord kui kuskilt valutab, kui oled haige. Ta kuuleb meie palveid ja tahab meile parimat. Meil on armastav isa kes on tõotanud, et me oleme terved. Ta on öelnud oma sõnas, et Jeesus kandis meie haigused ja tõved risti puul. Me ei pea kannatama enam. Jeesus kannatas meie eest! Mõtle Jumal oli valmis saatma oma ainusündinud poja sinu eest ristile, et sa võiksid olla terve! Miks sa tahad veel kannatada? Miks sa tahad tunda valu? Täna Isa selle tervenemise eest. Täna teda rõõmu eest. Täna teda, et ta ei jäta sind kunagi üksi, et ta on alati olemas kui teda vajad! Ta armastab sind ja tahab sulle parimat!