My heart beats for love

Hei hei guys.
I know couple months ago I wrote about me being in love. Yes I was but it was wrong so I didn't allow myself that relation. After couple weeks I started chatting with one guy on my facebook list and we got quite close. Now he is my boyfriend and I love him with love I haven't have for anyone else before. It's old feeling because I have been in love but it's also new feeling because I've never loved like that. I mean unconditionally loved with all what I have. He gives me strength to be me. I don't have my regular complexes or blocks with him. I'm just me. I can just be without pretending anyone else. I'm doing stuff I have always wanted to do but afraid to do them because I have had complexes about my weight or how I look or something but with him  well I'm different. I don't wanna lose him. Never. I love him from top of my head to the end of my toes. I'm so happy that he is in my life. I would post picture here but I don't have pictures in my laptop yet. They are still in my camera.
Anyway I love you all. Just wanted to share this small thing with you all!
Have fun and enjoy summer!
Hugs, kisses

In love

Have you ever been in love? If you are over 4 years old then you have been in love. Everyone has felt it in some time in their life. And at the moment I'm feeling it. No it's not the one with who I have pictures everywhere. It's someone else. Someone who makes my heart shine. Someone who is my little sun. Someone has occupied my heart. This person means world to me. I would give everything for that special one.When I am with my sun I feel like nothing else matters, like there can be miracle in my life. That person... Well I don't have words. I think of that special one even when I am with someone else. And now I heard that I mean everything to to my special one too. And that is what matters. Nothing else.

Maybe you are thinking why is this post so anonymus... It's because my speical one is someone about who I can't tell anyone. I have only 2 friends who know and that's all. I'm not able to tell anyone. They wont understand me. But now you everyone know that I have someone. And all what matters is that you all know that I am happy.
Love you all. Hug and kisses

Messed up

Hei hei.
Someone asked me about my statistics of that blog and I was really surprised. Even someone from China and Indonesia, Netherlands, United States, France, Canada and there are even more countries but those really surprised me.
Anyway couple last weeks I have felt really messed up. I enjoy my life, studies, school, all where I'm involved with but it's too much lately. I just put my psychologist time and going there today. I just need to talk with someone who is neutral, not from my group. Lately I feel like I don't wanna excist. I do think really negative thoughts I even took lot of some kind of medicine in my hand yesterday cause I just wanted to feel bad inside but I didn't take it in and I'm proud of myself cause of that. I was sittign with one friend, holding those tablets in my hand and just thought to take them in but when I was sittign there for like 45 min I changed my mind. I went and found one friend to who I tell everything about myself and just gave those to him. I didn't say anything just gave those to him and just left. Some minutes later he came to my room and hugged me. I told him I didn't take any but I really wanted. He said he was proud of me and it made me feel good. When he huggs me I feel nice and small and good. He is really tiny and thin and I call him small but he makes me feel good. When he huggs I fool comfortable and warm. He is very sweet and kind to everyone and it shines out through his hugging. I really do love him and he is like my little brother. He often makes me feel angry and mad about him and Wants me to scream but I can't leave him. He is one most important guy in my life. So I need him in my life.
I ran out of ideas. Love you all!!!
Hugs, kisses!

Mõtteid mõtteid mõtteid

Mis teeb meid ilusaks? Kas meik nöos? Kena soeng? Ilusad ja uhked riided? - Ei. Need kõik on muidugi ilusad aga need ei ole põhjuseks miks meie oleme ilusad. Mis siis teeb meid ilusaks? Meie sõbrad, sest nende jaoks oleme me ilusad. Me peame oma sõpru ilusateks... Kas siis välimuselt või sisemuselt aga nad on ilusad. Seega on sõbrad need kes teevad meid ilusateks.

Mul on kõrini mõnest inimesest. Ei ma ei saa öelda kõrini aga aegajalt viskab üle. C'mon näo ees on hull sõber ja nii lähedane, teab must kõike ja sealsamas 5 minutit hiljem eirab. Ma tean keda ma usaldan ja keda ma usun. See teeb haiget kui inimene keda sa kogu südamest usud ei suuda pidada oma lubadusi. Jah see käib sinu kohta pisikene. Kui palju sa oled lubanud igasugu asju ja neid mitte täitnud? See kriibib mul sees, lihtsalt pidin siia kirjutama. Sa oled mulle nii tähtis, väikese vennakese eest ja sealsamas ma soovin et ma suudaks su peale vihane olla. Sidn eirata, ignoreerida, blokkida, midagigi, et sa saaks aru mida ma tunnen. Mitte, et ma tahaks sulle haiget teha aga ma tahan, et sa saaks aru mis ma tunnen, mis mu sees toimub kui sa niimoodi käitud. Sa räägid, et sulle tundub, et sa eemaldud K-st ja K-st.... Mulle tundub, et sa eemaldud minust.... Oeh kui ma vaid saaks aega tagasi keerata.....

Igatahes, pole hullu, see on elu. Shaalalallalalalaaaalaaaaaa....

Aaa üks lause mis tuli just meelde. Täna kuulsin: "Kui keegi leia 3 korda põhjuse miks öelda ära millestki, siis ta tegelt ei tahagi seda". See pani mõtlema sellele, et kuna üks inimene on juba 3-4 korral leidnud vabandusi miks mitte tulla noortekale siis ta järelikult ei soovi sinna tulla kuigi ta väidab, et soovib... Aga jah see on kindlaks tehtud nii... psühholoogia. 

Kallidmusidpaid!!!

FREAKING ART

I need to have place to speak out my moods and feelings and I'm in art class and literally crying cause I HATE DRAWIGN THAT FREAKING STILL LIFE PICTURE... I don't like drawing perspective...but less I like drawing still life...

Feelings...moods...stuff

My head has been sooo messed up lately. I have so many great friends around me but I just close myself in. I try to be alone as much as possible and don't wanna see anyone. I mean I don't mind to be 1:1 with some friends but when i have already 3-4 people around me I get kind of messed up.
My mind is also bit messed up because I can't understand do I or who I like. There are couple guys in my life and I'm not sure what I feel for them. They are both very important to me and make me feel great and awesome. But it shouldn't matter... I won't let mhyself feel anything like that. They all are too important for let it get messed up.
Anyway I have had so much free time now without facebook. I got 2 works done for school now I just need to finish my scarf and socks and need to get done some tests. I enjoy my life but I'm really thinking to dissapear for week. I thought to tell it just to my teacher and just go somewhere for a week... Well I'll see how things go. I need to get all in order first.
Anyway I ran out of thoughts now.... Will write later.
Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!!!

The three of life

I was watching one film in Jürgen's room. It seemed sooooo pointless. Name was The tree of life. I wasn't able to watch it till the end because at some point it just reminded me my life in past. Father there was really like punctual about everythign and harsh with kids. Everything had t be perfect. It reminded me time when I was younger and living home. I felt so same. I got beated up often and had to do sooo many things. I just couldnt watch it. It opened up some wounds in me.
Anyway I lost my thoughts now. (: Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!