Going into my new life

Hey guys!

Much has happened and I think it will be long post because I have so much on my mind. Where do start? Well I graduated! Whooooohoooo.  It was one of the happiest days of my life. I looked soooo pretty even though yeah I am fat but I do think I was one of the most beautiful looking girls there. It was because it meant so much to me. Here is one picture of my class who made it through 3 years and finally graduated :) 

I am very happy with my dress how it came out. It took me and my "teacher" who helped me to make it 3 days to make that dress. It's my dream dress. I've wanted something like that long maxi dress with red and black lace for 2-3 years now. I was even looking pictures of red and black (lace) dresses online. And it fits me perfectly. I got so many positive feedback. But it wasn't only feedback. I also gave speech. Usually students just go there and thank their teachers but I actually had a speech. And even people whom I didn't expect to like it said that they got tears in their eyes. I started it with greeting and then place from Bible. It talked about time. How there is time for everything. Then there was some memories of school how it was and what had happened with some quotes and then I wrote one poem I found on internet. I ended it with thanking our teachers and giving them gifts.

Couple days after finishing school I went to Tallinn for a week. I had exams to get into university. My plan was to go to one university to study fashion design/making clothes but just in case I also applied to Tallinn's University to study art. I loved those exams. First we had to write essay about what is art for me, why I want to study it and what one pictures we had to choose, talks to us. Writing it all made me remember why I love art and how big passion I have for art. Next day we had to draw portrait. It was my first time to draw someone who is really sitting in front. It was fun. I really did enjoy it and that model who was over 50 years old was with very cool personality. And then after that we had another task to paint three objects, playing with colors and contrast and sizes. And then last day we had interview. I got in both and it was really hard to choose which one to study, I decided to study clothes. 

I also visited church in Tallinn what I've always wanted to visit. I or well my mom, older sister and brother they know pastor and his wife from Bible school. From the first minute I stepped in there I felt that I have finally arrived home. It was warmest welcome in any churches I had ever been. And when I move to Tallinn in end of August then I will go to that church and they already want me to help in church work. I'm excited and waiting what God has for me :) It will be some amazing time in Tallinn. Talking about God and faith, I started reading one book. It's about intimacy with God, 30 day journey. And over long time I read Bible. I think currently my favorite book in Bible in Job. I love to read about God's greatness and how big and powerful He is. It makes me think that if He is so amazing and big then there is no doubt that He can take care of me. It all makes me want to search Him more and get more closer to Him. Lately I've also chatted with one friend. I never thought that I have anything common with him but I enjoy chatting with him. He gives me strength to keep looking for God and talking to him makes me want to seek God more and more. He doesn't judge but he is there to listen and tell his thoughts. I'm so thankful to God for a friend like him. This friendship really means lot to me :)

But anyway it came out really long and it's 3.12 already and I need to drive my sister and cousin to camp in the morning so I need to get some sleep.

Song what is playing now:
"Here I am. Finding my way to you... I know you can hear me. I feel you near. I wanna be with you now so I close my eyes... Take my life... Take all my emptiness, I fill it with you. Break through with all my selfishness, make me new."

Part of my life

So much has happened lately. I went to church on Sunday over the long time. I was actually really waiting for it. In one church I was translating and other one, well I was just waiting it and it was really good. God said to me: "All you need is me. You are not ready for anything else. I have seen your pain, your suffering. You are not ready for love yet but I have best for you. I have best plans for you and best husband for you. Trust me, lean on me, be in my presence and stay in my arms. When you are ready, I will show my plans for you! It can be week, it can be month or year. I know when you are ready. Trust in me!" Lot is happening. I've realized that all I actually do need is God. He has the very best for me. It's nit easy but it's truth. I love him so much. Someone asked me today how can I believe in something what sounds such a crap. But I have my own reasons to believe and I do believe it is true. I might not always do well or do good but I know where is my heart and it is what matters. 
But being with some friends I've felt that I'm falling in love again. I don't want to and anyway even if I do, i wont do anything for that. He is there for me and he is very special to my heart but that's all. I may have feelings for him but that's all. Even if he seems perfect. I don't expect anything. :) 

Third news would be that I got my driving licence. Whooop whoop. Happy girl. I feel different now. Feel like more grown up. Fee like I am moving forward. 

Now school is ending and I'm making my graduation dress. I love it. Fabrics are on that picture here too :).  It's kind of like my dream dress for last 2 years. I love it so much and can't wait to finish it and wear it already. It will be my most important graduation. 7 years of high school will be over. Finally!!!! Woohoohohoooohoh. I still need to defense my final work and I will be done! 
In the middle of that all it doesn't mean I have forgotten all that love I have had for someone. No. But when he blocked me on facebook right after he promised to be there for me, I decided that I don't need him. I don't need anyone who doesn't appreciate me as I am. So I don't care. But I hope he will be happy. I do wish all the best for him and if he couldn't be happy with me what makes me more sad you guys can imagine, then I hope he will be happy with someone else. :) I do love him deeply with every small part of me but most important is that he is happy and I know I will be happy one day too :)
What would you do, if someone who should be one of the most important person in your life, someone without who you wouldn't exist  someone who has always been there for you, supported you, helped you one day tells you that you are reason for most of their problems? I understand if it happens when they are angry with you or something but out of nowhere... Well I forgive but this person will never be the same for me again. Now I have only one true father and it is my Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally :)
Anyway hugs and kisses to you all. I'm off to bed! 

Love deeper than oceans

I never thought I will love like I do. Looking back in past years I see now how I have been acting what I've done wrong and what I would do differently. I love someone so much that I would give everything for him. I've never felt love like that. I would be ready to give up all my dreams and plans just for him. I would be ready to give up all travelling I want to do just to spent time with him. I never really wanted or expected kids but I would raise football team if he would love to. I would give up my life for him. He is most important person in my life. It is kind of love I want to feel from someone. I want to feel someone loving me longer than time would last and with passion more deep than oceans. I want to feel and give love what is longer than to the moon and back. I want to feel needed as much or even more than night needs stars and fish need water. I want someone to be willing to give everything for me.

Relationships

I thought other day why I have had so many relations. Around 6-ish. I have had discussions with many people. And so often those who are slimmer and thinner they have had like 1-3 relation at my age. Then I was thinking why I or so many bigger girls have so many relations. I can't talk about others but what I thought was that it's because we need to feel wanted somehow. Need to feel beautiful. If you have boyfriend then no one can say that you are so fat that can't even get a boyfriend. It feels like you always need to prove yourself. Prove that you can have "normal" life, can have boyfriends, that people can look at you and think like you are normal girl. Having boyfriend gives confident. You feel like at least someone wants you, someone loves you, someone thinks you are beautiful :) I know it's wrong and shouldn't be like that but it is. I know I am pretty but still.

God's Love

God has called us to love each other, to take care of each other. Because God loved us first, we can love others. True love comes from Him and there is nothing that can take His love away. Because God so loved the us, He gave His only son to die for us so we could live. How amazing is that? God has loves us so much that He gave order to sun to shine over us that we would have light and He put moon and stars to the sky to light the night. If God knows the name of every single star in the sky then how much more does He loves and knows us? He knows our secrets, He knows our dreams, He knows our hearts, He knows us. He knows how much hair we have and He knows what we've been through. He has cried with us when we have been hurt and laughed with us when we have been happy. I'm so amazed by His love. If He has loved us so much, gave so much then least we can do is love our neighbors. We are called to love each other. We were created to be friends we God and to show His love to others around us. We are here to reflect His greatness, His love. I'm so thankful to God that He is with me when everyone else fails me. He is there, He was there and He always will be there to love me, to hold me, to keep me safe, to lift me up. I love God my Father, my Abba Daddy so much and nothing will ever change that!

Jumal on kutsunud meid armastama üksteist ja hoolitsema üksteise eest. Sellepärast, et Jumal armastas meid ennem, saame meie armastada teisi. Tõeline armastus tuleb Temalt ja ei ole midagi mis võtaks ära Tema armastuse. Sest Jumal armastas meid nii väga, andis Ta oma poja meie eest surema, et meie võiksime elada. Kui imeline on see? Jumal on meid armastanud nii väga, et ta on andnud päiksele käsi särada meie üle, et meil oleks valgust ja Ta pani kuu ja tähed taevasse valgustama ööd meie jaoks. Kui Jumal teab iga üksiku tähe nime taevas, siis kui palju enam ta armastab ja tunneb ta meid? Ta teab meie saladusi, Ta teab meie unistusi, Ta teab meie südant, Ta teab meid. Ta teab kui palju juukseid meil on ja Ta teab millest oleme läbi läinud. Ta on nutnud koos meiega kui meil on olnud valus ja naernud koos meiega kui me oleme olnud õnnelikud. Ma olen nii imestunud Tema armastusest. Kui ta on armastanud meid nii palju siis vähim mis meie saame teha, on armastada oma ligimesi. Me oleme kutsutud armastama üksteist. Meid loodi olema sõbrad Jumalada ja näitama tema armastust teistele meie ümber. Me oleme siin, et peegeldada Tema suurust, Tema armastust. Ma olen nii tänulik Jumalale, et ta on alati minuga kui kõik teised ming hülgavad. Ta on seal, Ta oli seal ja Ta saab alati olema seal, et mind armastada, et mind hoida, et mind kaitsta, et mind tõsta ülesse. Ma armastab Jumalat oma Isa, oma Abba Issit nii väga ja miski ei saa eales muutma seda!

Usk, tervenemine ... usk?

Kuulates palju vingumisi viimasel ajal eriti kristlaste poolt kuidas selg on haige ja põõlved on haiged ja see ja too ja kolmas häda, pani mind mõtlema, et kus on meie usk. Tegelt ma ise tihti samamoodi. Paha olla, voodis, vingus pea või selja või teab mis valu üle. Meil on Jumal kelle poole pöörduda ju. Muidu oleme kõik suured kristlased, usume Jumalasse, loeme, kuulame jutlusi tervenemisest ja sellel hetkel on kõik aamen ja aamen aga kui meil endal on mingi häda, kus siis on Jumal? Kas sa oled mõelnud, et nii kui peavalu või seljavalu või põlve-, jalavalu tuleb, pöördud Isa poole ja ütled lihtsalt talle: Isa, võta ära see valu. Tänan sind tervenemise eest. Tänan sind selle eest, et olen terve. Jeesuse nimel. Aamel. Ja nii lihtne see olekski. Proovi järgmine kord kui kuskilt valutab, kui oled haige. Ta kuuleb meie palveid ja tahab meile parimat. Meil on armastav isa kes on tõotanud, et me oleme terved. Ta on öelnud oma sõnas, et Jeesus kandis meie haigused ja tõved risti puul. Me ei pea kannatama enam. Jeesus kannatas meie eest! Mõtle Jumal oli valmis saatma oma ainusündinud poja sinu eest ristile, et sa võiksid olla terve! Miks sa tahad veel kannatada? Miks sa tahad tunda valu? Täna Isa selle tervenemise eest. Täna teda rõõmu eest. Täna teda, et ta ei jäta sind kunagi üksi, et ta on alati olemas kui teda vajad! Ta armastab sind ja tahab sulle parimat!

New year promises?

I was thinking why to wait till new years eve to start new life? Why don't we just turn new page in our lives today and start living new today? Why we should find some excuses like waiting til new years eve to give promises? You want to quit smoking or drink less? You want to quit eating sugar or lose weight? Why don't you start today? Why don't you start today? I hate new years eve promises. I want to change my life today. I can't wait till 1st January to get closer to God or to start moving more. It's stupidity. I want to do it now and today. Why don't you? You want to see change in your life? Start today! You want to get results? Start today! You will have like 3 days more in your new lifestyle. Start moving! Start taking steps today! Let's change life today. Not tomorrow or not after 3 days when it's new years eve. START TODAY!