Messed up

Hei hei.
Someone asked me about my statistics of that blog and I was really surprised. Even someone from China and Indonesia, Netherlands, United States, France, Canada and there are even more countries but those really surprised me.
Anyway couple last weeks I have felt really messed up. I enjoy my life, studies, school, all where I'm involved with but it's too much lately. I just put my psychologist time and going there today. I just need to talk with someone who is neutral, not from my group. Lately I feel like I don't wanna excist. I do think really negative thoughts I even took lot of some kind of medicine in my hand yesterday cause I just wanted to feel bad inside but I didn't take it in and I'm proud of myself cause of that. I was sittign with one friend, holding those tablets in my hand and just thought to take them in but when I was sittign there for like 45 min I changed my mind. I went and found one friend to who I tell everything about myself and just gave those to him. I didn't say anything just gave those to him and just left. Some minutes later he came to my room and hugged me. I told him I didn't take any but I really wanted. He said he was proud of me and it made me feel good. When he huggs me I feel nice and small and good. He is really tiny and thin and I call him small but he makes me feel good. When he huggs I fool comfortable and warm. He is very sweet and kind to everyone and it shines out through his hugging. I really do love him and he is like my little brother. He often makes me feel angry and mad about him and Wants me to scream but I can't leave him. He is one most important guy in my life. So I need him in my life.
I ran out of ideas. Love you all!!!
Hugs, kisses!

Mõtteid mõtteid mõtteid

Mis teeb meid ilusaks? Kas meik nöos? Kena soeng? Ilusad ja uhked riided? - Ei. Need kõik on muidugi ilusad aga need ei ole põhjuseks miks meie oleme ilusad. Mis siis teeb meid ilusaks? Meie sõbrad, sest nende jaoks oleme me ilusad. Me peame oma sõpru ilusateks... Kas siis välimuselt või sisemuselt aga nad on ilusad. Seega on sõbrad need kes teevad meid ilusateks.

Mul on kõrini mõnest inimesest. Ei ma ei saa öelda kõrini aga aegajalt viskab üle. C'mon näo ees on hull sõber ja nii lähedane, teab must kõike ja sealsamas 5 minutit hiljem eirab. Ma tean keda ma usaldan ja keda ma usun. See teeb haiget kui inimene keda sa kogu südamest usud ei suuda pidada oma lubadusi. Jah see käib sinu kohta pisikene. Kui palju sa oled lubanud igasugu asju ja neid mitte täitnud? See kriibib mul sees, lihtsalt pidin siia kirjutama. Sa oled mulle nii tähtis, väikese vennakese eest ja sealsamas ma soovin et ma suudaks su peale vihane olla. Sidn eirata, ignoreerida, blokkida, midagigi, et sa saaks aru mida ma tunnen. Mitte, et ma tahaks sulle haiget teha aga ma tahan, et sa saaks aru mis ma tunnen, mis mu sees toimub kui sa niimoodi käitud. Sa räägid, et sulle tundub, et sa eemaldud K-st ja K-st.... Mulle tundub, et sa eemaldud minust.... Oeh kui ma vaid saaks aega tagasi keerata.....

Igatahes, pole hullu, see on elu. Shaalalallalalalaaaalaaaaaa....

Aaa üks lause mis tuli just meelde. Täna kuulsin: "Kui keegi leia 3 korda põhjuse miks öelda ära millestki, siis ta tegelt ei tahagi seda". See pani mõtlema sellele, et kuna üks inimene on juba 3-4 korral leidnud vabandusi miks mitte tulla noortekale siis ta järelikult ei soovi sinna tulla kuigi ta väidab, et soovib... Aga jah see on kindlaks tehtud nii... psühholoogia. 

Kallidmusidpaid!!!

FREAKING ART

I need to have place to speak out my moods and feelings and I'm in art class and literally crying cause I HATE DRAWIGN THAT FREAKING STILL LIFE PICTURE... I don't like drawing perspective...but less I like drawing still life...

Feelings...moods...stuff

My head has been sooo messed up lately. I have so many great friends around me but I just close myself in. I try to be alone as much as possible and don't wanna see anyone. I mean I don't mind to be 1:1 with some friends but when i have already 3-4 people around me I get kind of messed up.
My mind is also bit messed up because I can't understand do I or who I like. There are couple guys in my life and I'm not sure what I feel for them. They are both very important to me and make me feel great and awesome. But it shouldn't matter... I won't let mhyself feel anything like that. They all are too important for let it get messed up.
Anyway I have had so much free time now without facebook. I got 2 works done for school now I just need to finish my scarf and socks and need to get done some tests. I enjoy my life but I'm really thinking to dissapear for week. I thought to tell it just to my teacher and just go somewhere for a week... Well I'll see how things go. I need to get all in order first.
Anyway I ran out of thoughts now.... Will write later.
Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!!!

The three of life

I was watching one film in Jürgen's room. It seemed sooooo pointless. Name was The tree of life. I wasn't able to watch it till the end because at some point it just reminded me my life in past. Father there was really like punctual about everythign and harsh with kids. Everything had t be perfect. It reminded me time when I was younger and living home. I felt so same. I got beated up often and had to do sooo many things. I just couldnt watch it. It opened up some wounds in me.
Anyway I lost my thoughts now. (: Love you all.
Hugs, kisses!

40 days without facebook: Day 1-3

I deactivated my facebook account for many reasons. I will be away at least for 40 days. Someone very special told me that when I am able to be away from facebook for 40 days then I'm not addicted to it. Beside now I have more time for myself, for God and for my school. I have understood how much time facebook took from my life. Now my computer is just on for music and my msn is logged in or skype but I'm not there. My laptop is on the table and I'm just listenign music or knitting, studying or something. I decided it's time to give more of my time to God. He has greated me, he owns my heart least I can do is give some time to Daddy. He deserves it.

On Thursday we had youth meeting in Räpina. We watched one movie and well later we watched one interview by Kim Walker.  She told how Jesus told her how much He loves her and how she was created. We are taken from Daddy's heart and we all fit in one perfect place in His heart. He has made His great plan for everyone of us. His plan for us is THE best. When we walk on the way He has for us He feels happiness for us. He sings over us. Hold us in His arms. Embrace us with His love. He is all we need.

Today I was in Seventh Day Adventist Church. I usually don't go there but today I went with friend. And this first part like bible study or whatever it is there we were discussing that what matters is in our heart. You can read some prayers or whatever just by heart and not think about it but it doesen't help much. What matters is what comes from your heart. God seeks your heart.

I just think about it how I can give more to God. I love my friends but I can't be with them so much. I just can't I feel like I don't have my space. I need more time alone. More and more lately. But yeah everything nwill be ok. I know.

Love you all! Hugs, kisses!

Deactivated my FB account

If anyone happens to read it then I just wanna let you guys know, I deactivated my facebook account (: Just because I wanted... I kept spending too much time in there and soem peopel are tellign it's my life. I had to do it. Thank you! Love you!