New year promises?

I was thinking why to wait till new years eve to start new life? Why don't we just turn new page in our lives today and start living new today? Why we should find some excuses like waiting til new years eve to give promises? You want to quit smoking or drink less? You want to quit eating sugar or lose weight? Why don't you start today? Why don't you start today? I hate new years eve promises. I want to change my life today. I can't wait till 1st January to get closer to God or to start moving more. It's stupidity. I want to do it now and today. Why don't you? You want to see change in your life? Start today! You want to get results? Start today! You will have like 3 days more in your new lifestyle. Start moving! Start taking steps today! Let's change life today. Not tomorrow or not after 3 days when it's new years eve. START TODAY!

Promises

Is it true that promises are there only to break them?
You... YOU promised me to stay with me. You promised not to leave me.  From the first letter ever you wrote you promised not to let anyone into so deep in your heart. Am I still only one there? Or has someone else occupied my place?  You told me you can't live without hearing my voice, without getting messages from me. Why it all changed? Now you better ignore it all than answer or listen :) You told me that I am everythign for you and that's why you don't need others? When I stopped being everything? You told me that you are afraid to lose me. Why you left me? You told me that everything is forgivable. Especially for the one whom you love. Did you stop loving me that you are not able to forgive anymore? You told me that you don't want to leave me because some small fights or some misunderstanding but still it was what you did. Left me for misunderstandings and small fights. Don't you miss me anymore as you wrote in every letter how much you miss me and can't wait to be with me to hold me and love me ? You told you miss time we spent together even those bad times when we were together and now you don't even want to talk to me? What did I do so wrong? You told that you haven't had anyone with who you felt so peaceful and good. You told that you thought is the sign that I am the one to spend rest of your life with? Why you decided that I'm not? You told me that you would be happiest guy  in the world if you could name me your wife or one day mother of your children. You told me you love everything about me. Don't you love it anymore? Why? What I did? You told me you felt like you found the one you want to live together with the rest of your days. Why don't you anymore?You told me that you even prayed for us. That we could have long future. You promised not to leave me. You promised to love me. I miss you so freaking much. I miss you and love you. Still.... So much . So so much.

Sun is behind the clouds

I don't use facebook at the moment. Not sure how long I can manage without facebook but at the moment I can. So I deactivated it for unknown time. But I really want to write something out as I used to share everything in facebook. True not so many are reading my blog but still. I don't do it for others but for myself. Anyway last nights I have't got any sleep. I fall a sleep between 2 and 8am and then sleep for 3-5 hours so for last 4 nights I've had only about 9-10 hours sleep. For me it's normal to sleep so much in one night. I guess it's just I'm so stressed out lately. Lot to do in school because I want to finish on time this year. And then I have problems in my relationship. I have been so moody and jealous and not understanding lately that I guess my boyfriend just had enough. I'm not 100 % sure if it is over we will see on 6th when he gets out from military. I guess it is main reason why I'm not able to sleep. He don't answer to anything and for me it's very very difficult not to hear from him. It's never happened before that I can't sleep. I mean I have had problems even bigger one than now and break ups before too but never had problems with my sleep. Or do I have problems because I really believed it's true this time? That he is the one and I was sure about it? I don't know. I'm just waiting 2 more days and then I can talk to him. If he wants to. I just need to talk to him or soon I will collapse. Emotionally and physically. Today 2 teachers asked if I'm feeling well and am I sick because I look pale. Oh well 2 more days. I hope that then everything will be ok again. Really hope and pray.

1 + 1 = ?

Just something what I have in mind and want to share it all out. We are all created by God and what God has made is perfect. Lately there has been in news lot about gay stuff... It all made me think when I have seen pictures in facebook, discussed with christians and so on... All what God has made is perfect. God never created gays. He even destroyed whole town because of homosexuality because there wasn't any other opportunity left anymore. It doesn't mean God hates gays. No! He loves them. He loves everyone because every singe one of are are made by Him. So if God hasn't created any gays then I don't care what you say or think but no one has born to be gay. That has never been God's plan for our lives. Yes I have gay friends and yes I love them very very much what doesn't mean I accept it all. I love them and persons, as my friends but sin is sin. No I'm not perfect. I'm far from it and even I have had experience all that gay stuff. I had girlfriend so that's why this subject it is very hard for me but I know where I stand on God's word and I know what God thinks of it all. But most important - I know that God loves me no matter what. He loves me and he loves all others too. Other thing what really annoys me with that gay subject is that rainbow symbol. Gays use it as their symbol but since many thousand years ago it has been symbol between God and people. It's sign that God thinks of us and won't never send such a flood what will cover all the earth. So it sometimes kind of makes me angry that now gays use that symbol what has been between God and men as their symbol.
Anyway it was just little something I felt like I want to share from my heart :)
Love you all! Hugs, kisses!

Lihtsalt midagi midagi mis on mul mõttes ja soovin seda kõike välja jagada. Me oleme kõik loodud Jumala poolt ja mis Jumal on loonud see on täiuslik. Viimasel ajal on uudistes palju olnud gei värki... See kõik on pannud mind mõtlema kui olen näinud pilte facebookis, arutlenud sõpradega ja nii edasi... Kõik mis Jumal on loonud on täiuslik. Jumal kunagi ei loonud geisid. Ta isegi hävitas terve linna homoseksuaalsuse tõttu, sest tal lihtsalt ei olnud muud võimalust. See ei tähenda, et Jumal vihkaks geisid. Ei! Ta armastab neid. Ta armastab kõiki, sest iga üksik meist on tehtud Tema poolt. Nii, et kui Jumal ei loonud ühtegi geid, siis mind ei huvita mida sa ütled või mõtled aga keegi pole sündinud geina. See pole kunagi olnud Jumala plaan meie elus. Jah mul on geist sõpru ning jah ma armastan neid väga palju mis ei tähenda seda, et ma selle kõigega lepin. Ma armastan neid kui isikuid, kui oma sõpru aga patt on patt. Ei ma ei ole täiuslik. Olen sellest kaugel ja isegi mul on olnud kogemusi kogu selle gei värgiga. Mul oli tüdruksõber ning seetõttu on see teema mulle väga raske aga ma tean kus ma seisan Jumala sõnal ja ma tean mida Jumal sellest kõigest arvab. Aga mis kõige tähtsam - ma tean, et Jumal armastab mind vaatamata kõigele. Ta armastab mind ja armastab ka kõiki teisi. Teine asi mind mind väga ärritab selle gei teemaga on see vikerkaare sümbol. Geid kasutavad seda kui oma sümbolit aga juba mitu tuhat aastat tagasi on olnud see sümbol Jumala ja inimeste vahel. See on märk sellest, et Jumal mõtleb meile ja ei saada kunagi enam nii suurt uputust mis kataks kogu Maa. Nii, et see mõnikord muudab mind veidi vihaseks, et geid kasutavad seda sümbolit omal mis on olnud alati Jumala ja inimese vaheline sümbol.
Igatahes, oli see
lihtsalt  midagi mida ma tundsin, et tahan südamest jagada. :)
Armastan teid kõiki! Kallid, musid!

The One

We walk day by day in our small words. Meeting people, getting to know them, dating them and never find that true thing until one time when it comes suddenly. When we can't even expect it. We meet thousands and thousands persons in our lives and suddenly the one is there. We might even not understand it in the beginning. Everything is just the same until we notice that we can't stop thinking of that person. Can't help it but smile when we think of them. We lay down to sleep with a smile one our face and that one person in our mind and wake up with same thoughts.
You are the apple of my eye. Perfect match. You fill the hole in my heart. You are piece of that puzzle what was missing.
Now, watching one film, I just noticed that first time when I felt myself really beautiful, free and comfortable was when I had you in my life. It was when I felt truly beautiful. You came, made my world shine, made me see that there can be love for me. Made me understand that I'm more than just some fat ugly, rude,pig, cow, slut, and whatever words you can think of... It's just what I've heard since I can remember, since I was kid. It was with what I grew up. Now you came to my life and made me see all the beauty I have. I still think I am fat. Not think but know. But not in that bad way I used to think. I'm finally happily engaged and wouldn't change it for anything. :) I've found the one I wanna spend my life with.

Messy mess.

This post wont be to anyone. It's just for myself to get my thoughts and feelings out of me because I have no one to tell it all. I'm feeling so pointless and not valuable at all. Tonight will be like third night when I cry myself sleep. I need him and knowing that he don't want me to go to visit him on Sunday makes me feel even more depressed. More like garbage. Like some meaningless person. I know it's not so. I know he loves me and he just want me to rest but he chose good week for that. I'm home not in Räpina and hoped that beside seeing him what I really need I can have couple hours just away from home, Away from that crap and mess I make at home but not now. Why he couldn't choose weekend when I'm in Räpina. Oh well I know he wants best for me but it just makes me worse. It makes me feel like less than ever and makes me more depressed and well helps me fall a sleep with tears in my eyes. I need him so freaking much.

You are beautiful

First I must say that this title to that post came because lately I need to remind to myself very often that I am beautiful. I am depressed and stressed out. So freaking much to do in school, my boyfriend is in military and I got to see him only once a week and now probably not before when he comes out so that makes me extra stressed... depressed. He reason why I want to get up and go forward with one more day. But it's ok I must get through I just don't have any other choice. I've never wanted to be skinny but now, lately I wish I was. For once I want to be slim and light to lift and that all my clothes would fit perfectly and that I shouldn't worry so much how I look. I know people love me for who I am and my boyfriend does but why can't I? I'm so tired of smiling and pretending that everything is ok. Pretending that I'm happy with who I am. But I don't have other choice. Ofc there is always possible to change but I know that  I myself don't have so much strength or self-discipline to change myself. I just can't help it. So anyway it's that somethign few I just thought I want to write out from myself if I can say it so.  

Love you all. Hugs and kisses

Pühendus

Selle posti kirjutan siia lihtsalt pühenduseks oma ühele "vennale". Oled mulle nii tohutult kallis ja eriline ja vajalik. Ma tean, et ma ei suuda ealeski seda tõestada kui oluline ja vajalik sa tegelikult mulle oled. Ma võin seda sulle miljon korda öelda aga päriselt koos olles ei suuda seda välja näidata kui häppi ma olen, et mul on sinu sugune "venna". Sa oled mulle toeks olnud rasketel aegadel ja sa oled uskunud minusse kui mina seda ei ole suutnud. Oled olnud olemas kui olen sind kõige enam vajanud. Sa saad aru mida ma tunnen. Ma võin sind tihti välja vihastada oma tujude ja lapsikustega aga ma tõesti südamest armastan sind kallis vennakene! Anna andeks, et ei suuda seda päriselt välja näidata aga loodan, et usud natukenegi minusse ja sellesse kui kallis ja eriline ja vajalik sa mulle oled! Aitäh, et olemas oled! <3 p="p">

New year

New year. New life. New people to meet and new things to do. What I expect from a 2013? That I can be with my boyfriend till 2014 and then 2015 and then 2016.... What else... That my life will get new touch, that I could get my relation with God back in order. I hope that my love will grow bigger. I wish that I find enough strength to change. To grow up. I don't want to annoy anyone by my stupid acting, by my stupid sentences or doings. I don't wanna be childish. I want people to like me not to hate me. I want to be the one that everyone look at and think wow she is one amazing person. I want people to see me as great friend and loving woman. I expect to have life what I can enjoy.
You know guys, I never give promises on new years eve. I just wish better year than last one was. I just hope to have better life. At the moment I'm kind of messed up. Don't know why. Just seems like everything is going more messy. So that's why I expect better year. I just expect. Nothing else.
So guys I really recommend take a second, minute or more and think what are you expecting from 2013. More money? Better grades? Love? Friends? Or something else. And what are you willign to give for it to make it work? Love you all. Hugs.